self-evidently blind to the purpose of life

a stable life that allows me to pursue meaningful endeavors is where i finally found contentment.

we've been locked down for quite a while now and the most i've spent money on are the bare essentials. i'm getting enough sleep, enough food, enough time to live life. i haven't been spending a whole lot that i've been racking up enough savings to pay off the debt from being abhorrently irresponsible with my expenses from the shit storm i went through last year. now the surplus of disposable income ought to mean that i should be looking for the next thing to purchase. however, i'm not looking forward to add anything material to my life. i get targeted ads for what i would usually be buying, and none of them feels necessary. i'm not itching to go on an adventure in wherever tourist destination. i'm not keen on seeing a live performance of a musical act or sporting event. i'm really not compelled to have more "fun" things in my life.

this sounds like an onset of my long-standing depression, but really it's more of an episode of enlightenment for me.

what lights a fire in me is the thought of being better by devoting time and effort in more meaningful pursuits. i wake up every single day seeing my guitar and piano and i'm ready to take a crack at improving my talentless musical skill. i forgo my torrented collection of movies and tv series to binge watch lectures on world history, philosophy, and psychology. i push myself physically to be stronger - although i do have a habit of landing myself in injuries, which i have in most of my major limbs right now, but that isn't stopping me from maintaining the same level of dedication to the less intense but equally important rehab exercises. it may not sound like common wisdom, but i do look forward to working hard.

in the short term, it's not going to be as gratifying as a purchase of a new toy. but when the added value comes from something external that can never be part of me, then it becomes disposable. i don't want that. so i'm doing all i could with the time i have to come out of this lockdown being the best version of myself. cause holy freaking hell, for the longest time, it's been so uncomfortable in my own skin. it should've occurred to me much earlier that i'm not going to live a life other than mine.

so it's incumbent upon me to make this existence count. and i'm gonna need grit, not just luck.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

an ode to rubenesque figures

i have to give credit to the fat women that have been part of my life. they're the most solid figure i've consistently had. i'm not sure whether it's a widespread obesity thing, probably not. neither is it simply a matter of me seeking out fat women to have in my life. it's not like a woman's excess of weight affect their personality, other than perhaps having a voracious appetite, and if there's anything i can always get along with it's love for food. and it's not like their perceived huggableness matter to me, physical touch ranks extremely low in my preference for human interactions. admittedly, i will find chunkier women more attractive, but almost all of the fat women in my life have always been platonic arrangements. so no, i have no idea why there's always a fat woman playing a significant role in my life. but what i am certain of is that i am pretty damn grateful for them no matter how much of a strange recurring theme it may be. ...
Read more

meet the focher

i'm conflicted when this blog gets page views.  my initial thought is "my writing must've been optimized for the search engine". understandable for a small number of readers stumbling on this esoteric content. i primarily write for myself as a form of therapy, because i'm too stingy to avail the services of a licensed professional, and validate the efficacy of psychiatric medicine. so a couple of eavesdroppers violating doctor-patient confidentiality is acceptably forgivable. it gets scary when the page views get reach the thousands. anonymity ameliorates the fear. funny how the tables have turned. my actual social media accounts barely hit double-digit engagements, and i went through a pathetically unsuccessful clickbait phase to chase after clout. back then, i just wanted the attention because being relevant felt good. perhaps after the personal rebellion our hormone-addled selves go through, we get a strong desire to prove ourselves as an up-and-coming young ad...
Read more

time space continuum

the older i get, the more i wish i could travel back in time with what i know now  i used to be a 5th grader wishing to be a 2nd grader, thinking i will ace all basic arithmetic after finally understanding algebra. then i became a college student wishing to be a high schooler, thinking i will re-invent myself after finally overcoming my social awkwardness. then i became a working adult wishing to be a student, thinking i will get into better schools after finally developing a solid work ethic. and now i'm in my 30s wishing to re-live life all over again, thinking i will avoid all of my life's regrets after finally learning from my mistakes. it's likely that this pattern will continue.
Read more