ineffectual disease

i'm one that could go on forever without giving myself a moment to step back and recover the scattered pieces of me that have been falling all over the place from hastily moving forward without any regard for self-preservation.

i'm already self-destructive as i am, but a pursuit towards any goal is much worse for keeping myself intact. in my endeavor to accomplish something of value, i paradoxically lose parts of me along the way. which perhaps doesn't add a whole lot to my being as any sort of gain is offset by the certainty of losses on my part. exactly the reason why i'm convinced that i'll be best left to die alone because the burden of making sure that i take care of myself is such a chore that love should have nothing to do with it, and instead be better suited as a transactional agreement - hopefully by a trained professional, but my career path isn't exactly one which leads to wealth, so i will take what i can afford.

it's a perennial struggle really. i'm aware of how difficult i am as a person, and it just can't be helped for the most part. but it's a prevailing dissonance that most people don't know yet cause i'm doing the best that i could to chain myself from giving people an unwarranted dose of my disagreeableness and neuroticism. yeah sure, anyone in my social circle reading this may have a warm regard for whatever negativity i'm going through, but that's because when i'm able to write about it, i've went through the messy portion of dealing with myself to save others the trouble of having to pick the pieces for me.

and nobody should ever be subjected to that - i can never afford their services.