eat me henger

i'm miserable because i look at what i could've had and never being fully at peace with the causes and consequences of my actions. i should start with soaking in my sadness instead of staying in denial. it's uncomfortable but calm. there's a tranquility to the aftermath. the turbulence had passed, and the only disturbances come from recollections. that's the first step to peace - actual bodily peace. there's no real point in expending any conscious energy. there's no turning back time. there's no turning it forward faster either. no amount of fidgeting or pacing around will get it over quicker. it's as agonizingly slow as the objective ticking of the clock. life happens regardless. there will be just as many people smiling as those crying. empathic as human beings are, the societal experience of joy and misery are not mutually exclusive. best i could do is to realize it's all in the mind.

my depression stopped being a thing after i started working on my physical health. for a good part of the past decade, i really haven't been peachy keen internally. i kept finding myself unreasonably dissatisfied with life. there were things to be grateful for, but the misery of bad aspects weighed on me. being better now, i wish i could've brought my present headspace to my past self. but that's just the same kind of mindset where i would've been a better student had i gotten the chance to return to class with the knowledge i have now. i should've lived in the present better and faced my problems properly. now's the chance to apply the lessons learned. if i really did learn. the older we get, it seems there's more of the past to run away from. but i think the power of the past is our own creating. only we make a big deal out of it when it still haunts us to this day. our brain has a limited capacity to deal with the current situation, and if we add the past...

it gets to a point where all relationships find its equilibrium. where nothing really ever changes anymore, because we're stuck with the history we established.  i'd like to have a clean slate again. one where i'll bring all of my lessons and manifest my improvements. one where i'll move on with dignity and keep my traumas quiet. i almost never bother anyone with my personal issues. nobody is worth opening up to. everyone's too simple-minded for my liking. my sample size is limited to those whom i can afford. maybe with the right price, i can finally find someone satisfactory. it's a burden being this complicated. with age, i find that people are less available and i'm becoming more unreachable. it just doesn't feel worth it anymore. what i get in return gets increasingly disappointing. there are some people we are stuck with, but i find it more difficult dealing with gradually lowering my standards. i say it's all about "contentment" - but...

i hate when things get romantic. sure, i love having a romantic partner. but what i love about it the most is growing with them as a partner. when i don't see someone being worthy as sharing a common objective with, then i really have no interest being romantically, let alone sexually, involved with them. the story of my life is that i always run the risk of a person - either girl or gay - developing an attraction to me. i use the term "develop" because i'm not outrightly attractive. only old women find me strikingly attractive. most of the time, people gradually grow a fondness for me. i really don't know how i do it. just one of those things that i mindlessly do. but perhaps because i actually listen to people, let them feel heard without judgement. perhaps because i actually want to contribute to the conversation that adds value to the other person, rather than building my own brand and making myself look better. i genuinely want to have meaningful connections ...

forgiveness is given when kindness outweighs the pain. i'm in a lot of pain right now. i extended my kindness to someone whom i shared a struggle with. however, it was used to betray me. i was roped into a situation where i had to suffer someone else's selfishness. those left to pick up the pieces fell to the whims of their emotion. i have a lot reasons to let fury take over. the accusations hurled against me was clear cut evidence for libel. bystanders were harassed. i'm a step away from being granted a restraining order, but hired guns don't respect the law. this drama is beneath me. i have absolutely no desire to engage. i came into the situation with a clear conscience. sure, the impact of my actions may not have been directly equivalent with my intent. but are we discounting a person's free will when i'm held liable for their reactions? that is my issue here. i was forced into this predicament. i'm being forced to comply with someone else's demands....

becoming a better version of ourself sometimes mean temporarily becoming a shitty version of ourself.  it would be nice to start perfectly, but i think we're inevitably bound to screw up. and i've been too tough on myself for screwing up. i hated myself so much that redemption was never an option. perhaps i was simply being a coward. i pretend to have this noble goal of exacting the highest quality possible, but i could just as very well be creating the highest quality illusion. being wrong is uncomfortable, it's understandable to minimize those outcomes. but being wrong also points us closer to being right. we just need the courage to get over ourselves, make amends and endure the discomfort. simple as it sounds for something as excruciating as acknowledging every single icky part of ourselves. but if we do nothing, the ick remains. if we can tolerate it, then yeah sure, that's a way of living. but going through shit is a necessary evil to become better. because perfec...

sometimes signals sent to us are so subtle that they're almost alien. reaching out is a thoughtful gift. i'm denser than most, and i need things explicitly explained to me. except maybe when things align fortuitously that only a one-of-a-kind connection can decode it. it's been a while, but i still haven't made peace with pieces i've kept. somehow even when embers are extinguished, a twin might keep the flame. all i have are my words. i use it to protect me, i use it to give to the world. i'm uncomfortable without them. but somehow, symbols are sufficient. i haven't felt alive in a while. a really long while. perhaps because i tried living it to the fullest too quickly that it consumed me. i don't know. i could be wrong. i've been wrong several times. but it worked out. we served our purpose, true to form. i guess i just had the wrong expectation. i shouldn't have looked for a finish line, i should have instead watched out for a knockout. all alo...