eat me henger

it has always been my aspiration to represent the country in sports. i believed i had it in me - i was genetically gifted with the height, quick reaction times, the ability to almost intuitively read the opponent's game. i was also lucky to have been in one of the best high school football programs in the country. no less than the then-national head coach saw the potential in me and took me under his wing. during trainings, he would pull me away from the team and make me focus on the weaknesses of my game. and that's when my more inherent weaknesses insidiously crept out. in my youth, all i wanted was to be on the field and play. and with my coach focusing solely on me, i was singled out every training as that one kid that never got to play. i never saw it as a learning opportunity, i never saw it as a chance for improvement. it frustrated me, and got my head out of the game. instead of getting better, my morale was spiraling down. had a mentor figure guided me to see t...

i'm always willing to dive into painful situations - of course, i'm an athlete and a reckless individual, throwing myself like a fool is in my genes. there's no method to the madness, i do a lot of things without thinking them through. i simply bank on an extremely malleable adaptability, an optimistic regard for the future, and readiness to accept any outcome. so it was never really a problem for me to be in any bad situation. of course there will be the initial struggle to accept the new normal, just as i feel terribly nervous right before i go on stage for any talk, but it's simply a matter of learning to embrace the entire experience from the bad until you get through what's good. this has been the worst period i've gone through in recent memory, the last time i really felt this bad was way back in puberty, but perhaps it's simply a matter of having that one major traumatic experience for every phase of my life to keep me on my toes and perhaps remin...

my mental health took for a turn for the worse the past couple of years. i never thought it was ever a thing, but apparently anxiety attacks are real - when you're overwhelmed with negative emotions but you have no form of release so you tense up, your hands uncontrollably shake and turn cold, and violent thoughts overcome you to the point where it'll only take a minor nudge to push you into committing a crime. and indeed i've committed at least one, and was borderline about to do several in the span of a year or so. looking back, i wasn't really in a good environment. my anger was always triggered, my depression was never addressed, and my healing never came. the easiest solution is burying the pain, being stronger, and moving ahead. sensible, yes, but i've been dealing with enough nutjobs and damaged people to know that simply burying it is a surefire way to cultivate its growth. now that i can entirely focus on myself and being unencumbered by any personal...

when i think about it, the relationship really was doomed to fail. on a fundamental level, we never really were a team. i would go as far as to say that she wasn't a good teammate. i never really felt that she and i were working together towards accomplishing a common goal. a lot of times, it felt like i was doing my thing, and she was doing hers, we have dinner, and then that's it for the day. so i do get why her excitement for the relationship will wane off, and given her poor personal values, it's understandable that she cheated on me. we were always kept from each other's worlds - or at least that's what i think. credit to her, she put in more effort to reveal to others our relationship. whereas the only time i had to tell others she and i have a thing is when i thought i got her pregnant. after the whole breaking into the her apartment brouhaha, i felt that the relationship was merely on life support. she can't bring a criminal to her family, and i can...

maybe i didn't appreciate her enough, maybe i didn't made her feel loved, maybe in a lot of ways i was lacking as a lover. i really am quite hard to please. i've set extremely high standards that anyone would be lucky if i expressed appreciation to them on a weekly basis. i'm also the last person to lie - even white lies just to make people feel good about themselves. even if it works to my favor to butter up people undeservedly so, i'd rather lose with my principles intact than to add to the ever growing disingenuousness of modern society. that, i believe, is an environment not conducive for a relationship, especially when one that has a deep and insatiable hunger for approval. perhaps it's my fault that she decided to find those positive feelings elsewhere, especially given her physical qualities that make her prime target for being showered with appreciation. it is perhaps likewise my fault for not showing her financial stability so i can prove to her tha...

i was taught to be gracious in defeat. having processed a lot of my negative emotions and having talked things out with my newly established and diversely extensive support system, i'm grateful for the loss. i'm grateful that i didn't cause the break up. i was merely the victim of a girl who cheated on me and horribly mistreated me while her infidelity was going on behind the scenes. as the aggrieved, the cargo that i carry is merely getting over the betrayal and the abuse she dished out. on the other hand, she will have her conscience for tainted for the rest of her life for having done something wrong on so many different levels. and at a young age of being in her early 20s, she has to live with her disgusting self for relatively longer compared to the dirty old men who cheat on their wives (and whom my former partner has cheated with) in their 40s or 50s. and if the childbirth pushes through, she'll have a constant reminder of her whoring side gig. hopefully that...

i lost more than i gained in my recent relationship. credit where it's due, she tried. but not where it mattered the most. having opened up my social life again to other people, it's becoming more and more glaring how much mercy and compassion i had afforded her. yeah sure, there will be times i can't take it anymore and i'll lash out - but if i were as short tempered as she was on a regular basis, i'd be jailed by now. having regained my freedom, i love being able to spend time with people who can take a joke. my humor has always been dark, dry, and scathing. my ex doesn't have the capacity to laugh at herself, which is to be expected given her deep seated insecurities - any form of attack on her, even if it's my way to bring to light painful truths and make them acceptable, she will be defensive and either deny it or get back at you by being ill-mannered. i will hurt people with the jokes that i try to pull off, but in the same manner as priests use se...