eat me henger

i will have my first radio interview tomorrow that will run for 40 minutes. my benevolent boss gave me this rare opportunity cause she doesn't like other people abusing certain office benefits. i've had my fair share of public speaking engagements from crowds both large and small, young and old, peaceful and hostile - but never was i completely comfortable. there's always that pre-stage jitters, starting from the car ride to the venue, up to the moment they start to introduce me. nevertheless, i managed to get the hang of it and i've found my groove - up on the stage, behind the podium, with a mic - i was "one" with my presentation. this time around, i have no idea how a radio interview will work. i'm not a hundred percent certain with the nuances of radio talk shows. i barely listen to radio. at most, i listen to podcasts or to a certain extent, the talk radio stations of the grand theft auto series. perhaps, the most i'll do is to make sure i b...

I am pretty much unlike my girlfriend. She claims to be a "hopeless romantic". While i may be in touch with my creative and sensitive side - i am, perhaps, less of a romantic and more of a realist. More specifically, a cynical realist. I have loved and hoped, but has been hurt more than i should have logically felt. And have thus questioned the motives of people. While i keep a very optimistic view of everyone's intentions, I've grown to read the context of everyone's actions as either brilliantly manipulative or exceedingly dumb. I greatly pity my girlfriend for having ended up with me - one that can't satisfactorily fulfill the romantic requirements she needs in our relationship. Being a romantic partner doesn't come naturally to me. I honestly abhor the need to give flowers on Valentine's day, and similarly detest the lack of expectation from women to deliver the same (except in japan). Thank god i can outsource those kind gestures to other...

i am utterly exhausted. and it shows. a lot of people have been telling me that i look tired. i have, perhaps, been too tired for too long that i can't tell the difference between feeling rested and feeling exhausted. the major contributing factor is my girlfriend. i put a lot of effort and expend a lot of energy to keep the relationship afloat. hopefully she appreciates it. otherwise, at least it developed my character. and had some fun. or maybe it just adds to the chronic fatigue i've been suffering from for years. my ex girlfriend must've been helping me get through it by spoiling me with all of the undeserved creature comforts she's been affording me. i have my deepest gratitude for that. but i have to grow up and walk on my own two feet, and right now, even carry someone else. no matter how tiring, i have to take the necessary steps to move forward. even if it means my demise.

i lost my fire for work. back then, i used to be excited to go to the office, take on new roles, make an impact. but my work performance suffered in quality in 2018, that i had to pay for it. it was understandable, i had misplaced priorities last year. i fell too foolishly in love. i unnecessarily gave too much of myself with a disproportionate return to me. i hemorrhaged money, i lost a lot of sleep - and other facets of my life suffered because of it. but i guess that's how unconditional love works. nevertheless, the fact remains, i sacrificed my career for someone i felt passionately in love with. and it was a slippery slope from here on end. having suffered the repercussions of failing in my career, i've mostly given up on it. nowadays, i just see my work as a means to an end, a surefire way to earn money fortnightly, a source of paid vacations, and something to pass time from 7 to 4 monday to friday. it isn't that bad. i could be doing better. but i screwed u...

the more things change, the more i sincerely feel lost. i've been trying to figure out how to live a meaningful life. i've tried a lot of things, and they've worked so far, but nothing truly stuck with me. somehow, i can't seem to find anything that will give me structure in my life. there used to be structure when all i had to put in was the bare minimum so it didn't take a lot of cognitive stress to keep it up and running. so all i needed was to wait every week for a new episode of wrestling to show up, watch it on the commute back home, rinse and repeat. but having an excess of money and the desire for things i don't have, i've managed to ruin it by getting a ps vita and a ps4. now i have a lot more things to occupy my time. ugh. i wish i can go back to a simple life. i guess i'll just have to stop the hemorrhage of my time and money with my games consoles. i'll have to really focus on truly finishing those games so i don't have to worr...

i've long loved video games. my childhood was ubiquitous with games, both electronic and real life. my fondness developed given the generous amount of free time available i had in my youth. i had invested a shit ton of time with games, more so than with school - no regrets though. i didn't play a wide variety of games, it was mostly a few titles. i only had a lot of time back them, not so much the money to buy games. so getting a single game meant a massive mountain to climb, which made me all the more want to make the most of out every single moment with games. nowadays in adulthood, i'd say it's been entirely different. i don't have the luxury of free time i once had in my youth, but i do have plenty of money. the amount of games i bought in a year for my ps4 was way more than the number of games i had bought for the half a decade i owned a ps3. i'm glad there have been remasters of the uncharted, bioshock, yakuza, and batman arkham series on the current...

i've gotten to the point where i feel like i should resign from work. it wasn't a feeling that gradually grew and hit its limit, it's more like an overnight thing that came out of nowhere. "mondays always excite me" was my line. and i really meant it, i loved my job. but somehow despite loving what i do, i fell into a series of screw ups and now i want to commit professional seppuku by handing in a resignation letter. but seeing as i work in government, even the resignation process is highly bureaucratic. so it will take a bit of time to finalize. maybe it's my intense love for the job that led me to want to resign. that i can't bring myself to stay in this position because i have brought a great deal of shame and shown a shitload of ineptitude. and this job i have deserves someone better.