eat me henger

who am i kidding. i'm still not okay. i still have a shitload of pent up rage and deeply submerged sadness that insidiously makes it way through the mundanities of daily life. i fucking hate everyone else's guts, i'm demotivated to live - but it's been a while and i feel that i need to be okay this time around. and i know i should be more compassionate with myself and be patient with whatever pace it'll take for me to recover - but patience was never my strong suit. though it's not some sort of bitterness borne from the break up. i've come to terms with the shitstorm of a situation, and i sure as hell don't want to return to it. i guess it's just everything moving forward that troubles me. whether i like it or not, my life is consequentially changed forever, and this is a new version of me that i have to live with. and with utmost honesty, i don't like living with myself even way before this all happened. i don't like the person that i am...

well fuck me kobe's dead. i was never a huge fan of the nba. yeah sure, i grew up playing the nba live series and continue to play the nba 2k series from time to time. but i wasn't as die hard as most of my friends are. it never really made sense to me to adamantly support geographically-based team without any actual ties to it. so whichever basketball legend dies, be it tragically or peacefully - i'm largely indifferent to it. but what royally fucks me up is the circumstances which kobe died. i've always had an intense and an inexplicably inherent inclination towards dad-daughter relationships. him tragically dying with his daughter is where it hits me, as any character - real or fictional - involved in any similar family arrangement i feel strongly for. perhaps i was a single dad in a past life as i've always felt fatherhood flowed through my veins. i'd like to think if i had a storied sports career and a helicopter, i'd fly my daughter to her next g...

i'm a fucking one man army a lot of times, i take pride in getting things done in the shortest amount of time with the most amount of effort. i'm a swift special action force operative that can and will take down the target in the soonest possible moment. very rarely would i bide my time or be patient because i'm well aware that i'm an unsustainably intense burning flame of a trailblazer that can't run a marathon nor a relay race for the life of me. that's why i thrive on dares and decisions on a whim. i'll be always up to the challenge. but i do recognize that i'm glaringly flawed and lacking in a lot of ways. i need a stabilizing presence, an anchor, a finisher - all of which i can't be, and it's fine by me cause i've gotten through a whole lot by not having any of those. but i could be shortchanging myself from the highest highs for missing them. ah whatever. this one man army is on an offensive to fuck shit up against the establishm...

i fulfilled a couple of wishes just recently and i'm satisfied with myself. in all likelihood, i'll be making a career out of granting wishes like a small-scale make-a-wish foundation but i'll use my own resources and i get no material gain out of it. and that's totally fine, it's the path i'm more than willing to pursue. it brings me a sense of satisfaction that no retail therapy or self-care routine could ever do. i've been mostly feeding my personal desires for most of my life, and while the thrill of the chase and the high of the accomplishment was enough to get me by, it's a pretty fleeting feeling. perhaps, it's the depression talking, but oftentimes i really did feel eerily empty despite having had a couple of nice things and accomplishments under my belt. unbeknownst to me, what really fulfilled me was doing good for others. altruism wouldn't have ever crossed my consciousness as among the values that resonate the most with me, as i...

i find myself talking to the same person every single day for the past couple of weeks. and it's not out of an obligation to do so, nor that i've simply gotten used to it and turned it into a routine. it's been ages since i last had someone whom i really looked forward having a conversation with. and i say "conversation" as a two-way thing - in that i like hearing from the person, and i also like being heard by that person. because a lot of times my relationships are quite lopsided, it's either they're gushing, ranting, or pontificating while i listen and probe further; or i gush, rant, or pontificate while the other person desperately tries to butt in or exit the interaction. so it's either overwhelming or disappointing to maintain social engagements. and it's grand to have someone whom i consider a peer in a lot of ways. it's the right amount of everything - the laughs, the intellectual stimulation, the raw emotions. suffice it to say i...

i guess we're back to regular scheduled programming. i don't feel a constant state of rage - unless i'm driving with other dicks on the road. i don't have difficulty sleeping anymore - unless there's a someone i'd really really really enjoy talking to. i've maintained a healthy appetite - unless... well.. my appetite's always there, we can't do anything about it - i'm probably on my way to getting fat again. but being back on track again doesn't mean returning to the status quo. what was once known as the "status quo" - one of social isolation, self-centeredness, and a routinary shackle of habits designed around personal creature comforts - was actually just a chapter of my life. not that i didn't want to go back to the firmly grounded and deeply rooted lifestyle, it's just there's a world out there that calls out to me in a manner more sensible than what i had previously thought was going to be my life's daily...

i'm back to the grind of work again and in a pavlovian manner, all my negative emotions i've been trying to release resurface again. or perhaps it's just the food poisoning. i don't know. maybe i just need to throw up and shit more blood. in the same manner that the whole point of diarrhea is to get rid of the toxins in your body, i've been spewing nothing but incendiary, corrosive and generally vile material in this blog. that's just me, a lovely bundle of negativity. call me damaged, call me broken - i don't necessarily see it as such, i'm privileged than most, but i must admit, a lot of my creative juices flow when coming from a place of utter darkness - perhaps as a way to keep me afloat the vast void of my own troubling thoughts. i sincerely hope i get to finish with all the negativity soon. it's a process, i recognize that, and i have to be patient with it because just as most rushed jobs go, they're oftentimes flimsy. what i went thr...

i'm writing this as i eagerly wait for sunrise. the early morning calm is severely underrated, as it should, i don't like sharing the peace i find in the morning with others. i never really realized how bright the moon actually shines until now that there's barely any light coming from an electric source that adulterates the darkness of night. i can get by without a flashlight because the human body has an amazing way of adjusting to various and sometimes extreme circumstances. oftentimes i take that for granted. it is indeed peaceful - serenaded by the sound of gentle waves, the surreal scene of a lack of bodies on what's an otherwise busy beach, and me in the middle of it all, finding the freedom in the seeming nothingness of the moment before sunrise. i needed this. i haven't been surrounded by this much serenity in ages.

i'm staring at the glimmering shore as the sun sets while i type this. no, not really. i'm actually staring at my phone's keyboard making sure i'm not fucking up on what i type. the beach is there, it's beautiful. i would have been typing this while i stare at this had i had a laptop. but fuck it, i'm on holiday. my brain ought to have less to think about. the whole point of me being in one of the beautiful beaches in the world is for me to rest my weary soul. i've been pretty damn bludgeoned by the past couple of years, while i'm well aware that a couple of days of rest and relaxation won't undo any damage, it'll help put things in perspective. and that's the best i could do. we really can't do anything about the past anymore, and really it's becomes a matter of reframing our reaction to the reality. and life is on the beach pretty damn lovely. there's something freeing about floating on seawater, being carried by the cur...

a surge of sadness sweeps upon me once more. it's been a while, i've been mostly angry for the past couple of months - manic really. so this heavy depressive mood is a welcome reprieve. it has been such a series of blisteringly blazing blur of blissful breaks, and perhaps just like an engine that overheats, i'm forced to take a breather. but these episodes aren't new to me, as a kid who was supposed to be happy-go-lucky for the most part, i've always battled my illogical internal struggles. and in as much as i'm grateful to have a support system around me, i'd feel too bad to burden them with meandering about my musings. it's liberating to be able to drone on about something as simple as "i'm sad" and stretch it to a couple of paragraphs so as to get a better grasp of the core of my thought process through this blog. yeah sure, having grown a sizeable support cast, my friends ought to be available and present in the moment to hear me ...

so a genius friend of mine decided to pull off a stunt by firing a series of tweets that seemingly express appreciation to my blog. to the geniuses that fell for her ploy: welcome. make yourselves comfortable. blogging has been a medium for me to just write for myself - to process my emotions, to experiment with creative expressions of my thoughts. there has been only a handful of times i actually consciously wrote for an audience, and perhaps this blog entry is one of them. i'm not in this to make money. i did a product review once. i wasn't paid to do it. i just wanted to support the first filipino custom earphones maker. the last thing i want is to compromise my integrity because i had to sell a piece of myself for other people's material benefit. i'm not socially woke. very rarely am i actually invested in prevailing issues. you won't see any opinion pieces here, other than those that are personally important to me - which are primarily my struggle with ...

i've come to the conclusion that chemistry is the most critical component of any continual companionship a pretty face and a deep pocket can only get you so far, but in the center of a relationship is desire. in how easy it is to like beauty and generosity, it's just as easy to develop a sort of tolerance for that particular threshold of aesthetics or wealth that you will eventually find someone else who can provide more than what you've gotten used to. while yeah settling down entails forgoing all the potential partners who are better than your current one in some or a lot of ways, at the crux of any decision is its sensibility to the decision-maker. should you stay or should you go? i was never one to seek out partners. history has shown that i could be easily better off alone blazing my own trail. however, people regularly cross my path and i have to live with their  constant presence. a lot of times these entities are expendable. but sometimes there are those tha...

ever since i was little, my teachers used to think i was a voracious reader. yes, grown adults described a kid less than ten years old as "voracious" to describe my reading habits. i don't blame them, it was given i knew a shitload of things. i loved learning. i grew up on encyclopedias and educational tv channels. even up til now that holds true with wikipedia and youtube. but what never really hooked me are books. i have a friend right now who holds a special place in my heart cause she is the only person that had expressed appreciation to my writing (satan bless her soul). it felt like a validating victory for me. i've been writing for decades, unappreciated, sometimes scorned, and here comes some random person in my life who see some sort of value in a work that i deem intimately personal. that means a lot. but perhaps out of her desire to be a better writer she wanted to know my secret sauce, so she asked what books do i read - i wasn't able to give her...