an evident sinkhole

who am i kidding. i'm still not okay.

i still have a shitload of pent up rage and deeply submerged sadness that insidiously makes it way through the mundanities of daily life. i fucking hate everyone else's guts, i'm demotivated to live - but it's been a while and i feel that i need to be okay this time around. and i know i should be more compassionate with myself and be patient with whatever pace it'll take for me to recover - but patience was never my strong suit.

though it's not some sort of bitterness borne from the break up. i've come to terms with the shitstorm of a situation, and i sure as hell don't want to return to it. i guess it's just everything moving forward that troubles me. whether i like it or not, my life is consequentially changed forever, and this is a new version of me that i have to live with. and with utmost honesty, i don't like living with myself even way before this all happened. i don't like the person that i am, the things that i do, and how much i feel i have very little control of my existence.

with what's left of the things i can do something about, i really do my best to be a positive impact to the world. that's why i went into a career of civil service, that's why i try to fulfill people's wishes, that's why i try to always crack jokes or quick quips. anything i can do to warm their hearts, despite mine being frighteningly frigid.

because if i can't find happiness, then other people ought to - and i'm okay with that.

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