fixed construct

i'm back to the grind of work again and in a pavlovian manner, all my negative emotions i've been trying to release resurface again.

or perhaps it's just the food poisoning. i don't know. maybe i just need to throw up and shit more blood.

in the same manner that the whole point of diarrhea is to get rid of the toxins in your body, i've been spewing nothing but incendiary, corrosive and generally vile material in this blog. that's just me, a lovely bundle of negativity. call me damaged, call me broken - i don't necessarily see it as such, i'm privileged than most, but i must admit, a lot of my creative juices flow when coming from a place of utter darkness - perhaps as a way to keep me afloat the vast void of my own troubling thoughts.

i sincerely hope i get to finish with all the negativity soon. it's a process, i recognize that, and i have to be patient with it because just as most rushed jobs go, they're oftentimes flimsy. what i went through was the farthest thing from a cakewalk, and i ought to be prepared to move forward in the best way possible because time will never move in the opposite direction and in the long run, we shouldn't shortchange ourselves.

because in the medium term, i have to keep picking up the pieces and rebuilding a more stable self.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

an ode to rubenesque figures

i have to give credit to the fat women that have been part of my life. they're the most solid figure i've consistently had. i'm not sure whether it's a widespread obesity thing, probably not. neither is it simply a matter of me seeking out fat women to have in my life. it's not like a woman's excess of weight affect their personality, other than perhaps having a voracious appetite, and if there's anything i can always get along with it's love for food. and it's not like their perceived huggableness matter to me, physical touch ranks extremely low in my preference for human interactions. admittedly, i will find chunkier women more attractive, but almost all of the fat women in my life have always been platonic arrangements. so no, i have no idea why there's always a fat woman playing a significant role in my life. but what i am certain of is that i am pretty damn grateful for them no matter how much of a strange recurring theme it may be. ...
Read more

meet the focher

i'm conflicted when this blog gets page views.  my initial thought is "my writing must've been optimized for the search engine". understandable for a small number of readers stumbling on this esoteric content. i primarily write for myself as a form of therapy, because i'm too stingy to avail the services of a licensed professional, and validate the efficacy of psychiatric medicine. so a couple of eavesdroppers violating doctor-patient confidentiality is acceptably forgivable. it gets scary when the page views get reach the thousands. anonymity ameliorates the fear. funny how the tables have turned. my actual social media accounts barely hit double-digit engagements, and i went through a pathetically unsuccessful clickbait phase to chase after clout. back then, i just wanted the attention because being relevant felt good. perhaps after the personal rebellion our hormone-addled selves go through, we get a strong desire to prove ourselves as an up-and-coming young ad...
Read more

time space continuum

the older i get, the more i wish i could travel back in time with what i know now  i used to be a 5th grader wishing to be a 2nd grader, thinking i will ace all basic arithmetic after finally understanding algebra. then i became a college student wishing to be a high schooler, thinking i will re-invent myself after finally overcoming my social awkwardness. then i became a working adult wishing to be a student, thinking i will get into better schools after finally developing a solid work ethic. and now i'm in my 30s wishing to re-live life all over again, thinking i will avoid all of my life's regrets after finally learning from my mistakes. it's likely that this pattern will continue.
Read more