eat me henger

i just want to give up on everything.  rewards aren't worth the demands. i used to want wealth, but seeing how hard it is to maintain the level of competence necessary to elevate myself to the next level, i'm fine being mediocre now. i don't want the pressure. i don't want the power. i don't want the fame. i don't care for feeling good in ways most people can't. i do see the value of putting in the hours, but i'm not convinced to do it for myself. i've lost a shit ton of motivation to be better. i'm barely even motivated to do the bare minimum. life has so much beauty to offer, but only to those who keep grinding. i don't want to be that person anymore. i don't want to work hard anymore. i just want to give up on everything.

bananas are awesome. its peel is such a convenient packaging that you could easily uncover with your hands. i can just chuck a piece in my bag and pull it out when ready. no need for knives or spoons, as i would need for avocados, kiwis or mangoes. the posh ones will use a fork. more power to them. i just eat bananas like a primate. its sweetness is the only fruit flavor i truly like. none of the tartness of citrus fruits. perhaps because i have easily accessible fresh water, i have no need for the juiciness of watermelons, grapes or peaches. i'm only a fan of other fruits when they're in desserts like mango graham cakes, blueberry pies or apple streusels. papayas are perhaps more practical because of its papain content, but its smell simply reminds me of my massive shits when i eat a crap ton of them. maybe it's just me. i never asked people if they toilets smelled of papayas. technically tomatoes are fruits, but i won't consider fruits that aren't sweet. yeah sure...

i can't imagine being a fan of jesus christ. if we put all fictional and historical figures in one huge pantheon, i think jesus will drown in the roster of more charismatic figures. nowadays, there are so many contemporary figures we can look up to that seems to make jesus obsolete. girls are in love with kpop idols and kids want to be one of the avengers. i'm not an expert in fandom, they all must have different reasons for worshipping these characters. probably their competence, heroism or aesthetic allure. we try to imitate the outward expression of our idols - what they wear, how they speak, how they act. sometimes, when available, we even sympathize with their internal struggles - the odds overcame, the steady stream of setbacks, their future fears. everyone in the pantheon of fictional and historical figures all inspire awe. and if the metric for worship-worthy is the level of awe they inspire, then modern-day figures blow jesus christ out of the water. people constantly ...

there should be a special place in our hearts for friends from the opposite sex. we don't always have to fuck them. they're not always attractive. they're not always the right complement to how we want to build our future. there are roles people play in our lives, and we can't have them all in one person. we probably can? if we lower our standards enough? if we overestimate humanity's capacity for change? i still believe in magic. but i've changed my view in believing that magic is found in little pockets of serendipity, rather than an overt life-changing event worthy of epic closing credits. i'm happy when i discover them. i cherish them with people whom i share those moments. they're like fairy dust sparsely sprinkled all throughout my life. i don't make a big deal out of it because they're ultimately just dust. my mere mortality can barely affect things outside of my imagination. even my own actions can only do so much. because for dust to mea...

almost cheating is healthy. it helps to find someone that makes us feel wanted like it's the first time they wanted you. i don't think you can get that from a long-term partner. fun of novelty is gone and is replaced by a more special mundanity. we want the excitement of new relationships, but we need the stability of enduring partnerships. being appreciated by someone new helps us see ourselves in a different way. it makes us have a more well-rounded perspective of who we are. even without making it sound profound, having someone validate us simply feels good. it starts to become dangerous when we reciprocate the appreciation - to which degree is it acceptable, i don't know. i reckon it's when your reciprocation results in reducing regard for your partner. i'm not sure they're mutually exclusive. but trying to accommodate seemingly disparate things require carefully considering complexities. the simple solution is to never dare playing with fire. step away from...

maybe in my past life, i was a woman. my soul was just reborn as a man in this lifetime so i can understand the struggles of being a man and develop my own masculinity. maybe we're going through multiple lives to become a more well-rounded soul. in the past 30 years, i sucked as a guy. maybe in a past life, i sucked guys. i don't know. but right now, i haven't been living up to masculine ideals of overt aggression, productive risk-taking and many other traits you wish your dad had. neither am i even living up to the bad things about being a man. i don't womanize nor engage in any flirty smooth talking. i don't even get into fist fights, nor have i gotten into any stare downs. perhaps the most masculine thing i've done, and given the circumstances this is tenuous at best, i've abandoned my own offspring. i probably could have been a dad now, but i escaped that responsibility. i haven't even been exerting a good deal of effort in growing into my gender rol...

i haven't written in a while despite having a daily reminder on my phone to write. i've given up and just removed that notification from ever reminding me of my failure. somehow for months, i'm fine being a failure. i don't feel like writing. i don't wish to allot any amount of time to put my thoughts here. i have better things to do, admittedly, i'm not doing them. i've actually been wasting a lot of my time over sub-optimally productive activities, but such is the case of unguided self-soothing. i haven't been living a good life lately. on weekdays, i've grown dependent on the efficacy of pills and capsules to keep me functional. on weekends, i've been sinking into my couch constantly clicking the conveniently placed "next episode" or "next turn" prompt. in all fairness, my life has been moving forward. right now, i don't like the direction. maybe in the future, with the wisdom of 20/20 hindsight, i will likely see how t...