dildo of damocles

maybe in my past life, i was a woman. my soul was just reborn as a man in this lifetime so i can understand the struggles of being a man and develop my own masculinity.

maybe we're going through multiple lives to become a more well-rounded soul.

in the past 30 years, i sucked as a guy. maybe in a past life, i sucked guys. i don't know. but right now, i haven't been living up to masculine ideals of overt aggression, productive risk-taking and many other traits you wish your dad had. neither am i even living up to the bad things about being a man. i don't womanize nor engage in any flirty smooth talking. i don't even get into fist fights, nor have i gotten into any stare downs. perhaps the most masculine thing i've done, and given the circumstances this is tenuous at best, i've abandoned my own offspring. i probably could have been a dad now, but i escaped that responsibility.

i haven't even been exerting a good deal of effort in growing into my gender role - both bad and good. i'm assigned male at birth, yes. i find women attractive, yes. i don't want to shove my penis into another man's ass, nor do i want someone else's penis shoved into any of my orifices either. but i'm not living up to become a dependable male figure. i'm terribly wishy-washy in committing to masculine or feminine roles.

what i'd really like is to commit to my feminine side. i wish to be a stay-at-home wife. i wish to be a full-time mother. i wish to make a home that my husband and children are always excited to return to.

but i've since established that i don't want someone else's penis shoved into any of my orifices.

i'm fine if men hog all of the positions of power. i've seen glimpses of that position, and the only thing attractive about it is the "power" part, not the constant stress of keeping it all together. i'm fine if men earn more money. i've had money already and for me to find happiness in my bank account, i have to shift my requirements for fulfillment to be materialistic.

i'm alive long enough to know that being a man is difficult - just as all lives are difficult. i don't have an arbitrary hierarchy of whose struggle is more difficult than the other. determining whose problem deserves more commiseration is a wasteful dick measuring contest. i do, however, have a hierarchy of problems to prioritize solving.

and being the shitty man i am, i'm not assertive enough to do something about it.