eat me henger

there should be a special place in our hearts for friends from the opposite sex. we don't always have to fuck them. they're not always attractive. they're not always the right complement to how we want to build our future. there are roles people play in our lives, and we can't have them all in one person. we probably can? if we lower our standards enough? if we overestimate humanity's capacity for change? i still believe in magic. but i've changed my view in believing that magic is found in little pockets of serendipity, rather than an overt life-changing event worthy of epic closing credits. i'm happy when i discover them. i cherish them with people whom i share those moments. they're like fairy dust sparsely sprinkled all throughout my life. i don't make a big deal out of it because they're ultimately just dust. my mere mortality can barely affect things outside of my imagination. even my own actions can only do so much. because for dust to mea...

almost cheating is healthy. it helps to find someone that makes us feel wanted like it's the first time they wanted you. i don't think you can get that from a long-term partner. fun of novelty is gone and is replaced by a more special mundanity. we want the excitement of new relationships, but we need the stability of enduring partnerships. being appreciated by someone new helps us see ourselves in a different way. it makes us have a more well-rounded perspective of who we are. even without making it sound profound, having someone validate us simply feels good. it starts to become dangerous when we reciprocate the appreciation - to which degree is it acceptable, i don't know. i reckon it's when your reciprocation results in reducing regard for your partner. i'm not sure they're mutually exclusive. but trying to accommodate seemingly disparate things require carefully considering complexities. the simple solution is to never dare playing with fire. step away from...

maybe in my past life, i was a woman. my soul was just reborn as a man in this lifetime so i can understand the struggles of being a man and develop my own masculinity. maybe we're going through multiple lives to become a more well-rounded soul. in the past 30 years, i sucked as a guy. maybe in a past life, i sucked guys. i don't know. but right now, i haven't been living up to masculine ideals of overt aggression, productive risk-taking and many other traits you wish your dad had. neither am i even living up to the bad things about being a man. i don't womanize nor engage in any flirty smooth talking. i don't even get into fist fights, nor have i gotten into any stare downs. perhaps the most masculine thing i've done, and given the circumstances this is tenuous at best, i've abandoned my own offspring. i probably could have been a dad now, but i escaped that responsibility. i haven't even been exerting a good deal of effort in growing into my gender rol...

i haven't written in a while despite having a daily reminder on my phone to write. i've given up and just removed that notification from ever reminding me of my failure. somehow for months, i'm fine being a failure. i don't feel like writing. i don't wish to allot any amount of time to put my thoughts here. i have better things to do, admittedly, i'm not doing them. i've actually been wasting a lot of my time over sub-optimally productive activities, but such is the case of unguided self-soothing. i haven't been living a good life lately. on weekdays, i've grown dependent on the efficacy of pills and capsules to keep me functional. on weekends, i've been sinking into my couch constantly clicking the conveniently placed "next episode" or "next turn" prompt. in all fairness, my life has been moving forward. right now, i don't like the direction. maybe in the future, with the wisdom of 20/20 hindsight, i will likely see how t...

i have a full day ahead of me. a new chance to make it right. i have to live with my past mistakes. whether or not i redeem myself in the eyes of others matters less than returning to righteousness for myself. i simply have to take the first step, face the fears i've been forgoing. courage must come from somewhere. perhaps from a desired outcome, perhaps from a foundational capacity for resolve. either way - past or future - they're both inextricably linked to my present.

we only truly experience each other once. yeah sure, we have friends and family, at worst, we have enemies. yeah sure, we know of celebrities and random strangers. yeah sure, people keep an identity, either fixed - such as name and ethnicity - or mutable - such as personality quirks or sartorial expression. but the permutations of who they are and how we regard them changes through time. so who we are years ago is as different as who we are now and will be more so years down the line. we have a reasonable expectation of order - where we foresee regular patterns of the person we know now, their name, the way they present themselves, the history we share with them. somehow, we hold onto personas like they are permanent constructs. but life is hardly predictably linear. there are so many moving parts beyond our control. sometimes we even find it difficult to be disciplined. we can only hope for everyone else to show us a semblance of stability. however, i think it's tenuous to outsour...

i made the mistake of not making mistakes in my 20s. people are more forgiving for when the youth screws up. i was never particularly forgiving of myself, and that made me scared of being bold. i tried to work around it by being reckless, thinking that starting with ill intentions will soften the sting of looking stupid. but a façade of vulnerability isn't as good as an armor as actual courage. i deprived myself of a period of rich learning experiences. lessons don't feel as full when it doesn't come with firsthand failures and concrete consequences. fear is a natural signal for keeping us alert and mindful of life's dangers. survival requires us to mitigate threats, but when tomorrow is an absolute assurance, when modernity affords us comforts of remote and virtual perils, we grow averse to necessary evils. i try to make up for lost time. unfortunately, when done too late, wisdom gets harder to come by.