eat me henger

some days it's terribly unbearable. i've very little will to live right now. every single action is laborious. having to stand up feels like trying to get up from the rubble of a collapsed building. having to walk feels like a trail of burning charcoal lay ahead of me. having to speak feels like forcing myself to vomit the ingested pills as an out from my lame attempt for never waking up ever. even merely letting time pass is taxing. i wish i had a real choice. it's much harder in my head. i look at my inbox full of unread messages from people that either care or who are warm enough to reach out, and i can't bring myself to open them because it means having to be congenial and engaging. that takes brain power. i'm already exhausted enough as it is. not that i don't want these people in my life. i appreciate them a hell of a whole lot, i just don't want to give them anything less than worthwhile. and really i can't help it, i'm a people pleaser. i wa...

it doesn't paint a good image if i died today and these were my last few entries. death doesn't sound like a good idea. you're deprived of another day to be with loved ones, to enjoy your creature comforts, or to contribute through whatever vocation you're pursuing. being dead means you can't make new moments, and all you will be are a collective of memories. i think death is beautiful. it puts your life in perspective. you're empowered to take action and make the most of your remaining time. think about it. we're more likely to twiddle our thumbs and scroll through our social media feed when we know we have a surplus of time on our hands. think about it. if you weren't afforded the luxury to get everything you want, you will prioritize certain things over others. think about it. if you knew something was scarce, you will assign a higher worth to it. don't get it wrong though. death doesn't automatically imbue meaning to life. it merely defines t...

i never give myself enough credit. if at all. i will, however, give other people and external factors the due recognition they deserve. nothing but love for others, and nothing but hate for myself. when good things happen to me, it's not because of my own doing. i'm merely going through the motions of life being largely ineffectual. sometimes i do my best but things turn out bad, sometimes i don't put any effort at all but things turn out well. life hasn't been quite predictable for me. so instead of analyzing the correlation between the effort i put in and my success, i've grown to instead consider every factor other than me. it does make sense. my excellent grasp of english? forced by autistic friends that can't speak our native language. skill in the kitchen? lazy househelp that couldn't be bothered to feed my fat ass at any other time than breakfast, lunch, or dinner. swift sprinting speed? grew up in the suburbs full of stray dogs. achievements at work?...

i'm slipping back into another depressive phase. the more i write about it, the more i'm hating the hell out of it. depression is this trendy thing that people keep saying to describe a scarier version of sadness. i disagree that's an accurate assessment. depression is more than just sadness. it's losing motivation for the mundane, it's having difficulty with basic functions such as a language and movement, it's being bombarded with negativity despite your best efforts to stay positive. you can't fix it with a simple switch. it's a rotating dial of your mental faculties that you have to gradually turn to get back to normalcy. although technically, the only legitimate way of claiming depression is when you've ticked enough items in a psychiatrist's checklist. but sometimes you don't need a medical degree to see someone's an amputee. i hate that it's such a disability. adult life isn't the most welcoming places for those sick in the...

there's no phase in my life that i didn't want to die. it's quite unfair that i disproportionately feel negative emotions more. my chest feels like its being clawed out by all the negativity form the inside. it affects my normal functions. i can't think straight. my mind is scattered. to accomplish something, i have to block everything else out. i'm forcing my laughter more than i should be doing. it really is easier to pretend you're feeling a certain way instead of having to explain yourself to people that will never understand. i guess that's why i just preemptively block off people because the disappointment in not being understood is more crushing than keeping hope that maybe they'll understand me. there's hope but i don't believe there's ever a possibility. i hate being real to people. i really do. it never turns out well. they're never going to see it the way i see it and say it the way remotely close to what's actually going o...

i don't like remembering the person i used to be. that's why it's convenient to be forgetful. my self-loathing is well substantiated. it's haunting to look back at everything i've been done and gone through. it can be laughably pathetic. but living the consequences of my idiocy is brutal. if suicide was an easy choice, it would've been an absolute no brainer. i'm one of the people that ought to not have the right to survive infancy because of the myriad stupid decisions i've made at every stage of my life. i wish i had a hundred percent hold of myself, but it isn't as simple as that. early in my youth, i end my days regretful. i keep finding myself in irresponsible blunders that could've been avoided had i been more mindful. there's a lot of confounding factors. i'm to blame, the people around me are to blame, the environment i'm in is to blame. it's easy to say that at some point i have to start making good decisions, at some poi...

i haven't been in a good headspace lately, primarily because i've lost sight of my best approach and it's something as simple as staying grateful. sometimes ambition gets in the way of happiness. in my desire to accomplish something, i forget to stop by and smell the roses. it's not a race to win first place, neither is it a marathon to be the last man standing. in fact, there's no competition at all. there's no one tallying who's scoring over whom or what penalties ought to be meted. it's simply about benefitting from a symbiotic adventure. i know i'm in my element when my competitive nature shines, but not everything has to be about drawing the line between winners or losers. sometimes it's about showing up. it's such a disservice when i'm far into my head whether i'm doing good, or whether i'm being better than the bar i set, or whether i'm delivering the best i could. i've been such a useful tool for far too long that ...