authoritarianship

i have trouble seeking help. 

i hate it when well-meaning people try and fail. they don't know what i need, they don't know what to do. they try. but they don't hit the mark.

so i worked hard to be hyper-independent. being good at a lot of things so i won't be needing someone else. it helps that i'm interested in a lot of things. motivated when i start learning. tapering off just at the right time before i become adept. and by the time my problem needs expert help, i can outsource to professionals.

i hate receiving gifts. it's never what i want. just a generic piece of capitalism. it's the thought that counts. but i don't need thoughts, i need utility. i grew up with most of my things not being my decision. my identity worked around what others had chosen for me.

but now that i can buy whatever i want, i somehow have a hold on my identity.

until i get another gift.

but then again, as i get more independence and move into the world by my own decisions, my identity is increasingly determined by others. i can still be who i am, but viewed through the lenses of other peoples' judgement, my image is molded by others.

it's impossible to have a dictatorship of our identity. we are born to circumstances beyond our control. we are only able to act within our available options. we are compelled by laws and hormones. and we are limited by the free will of others' perception.

i can't help it. i have trouble seeking help.

but maybe if i just learn how to communicate properly, directly. with purpose.

then maybe i could be somebody i like being.