memetic mori

i feel no motivation to prove myself.

now, i'm not sure whether it's attributable to having sufficiently achieved enough in my career, or simply being in my 30s, or from my mushroom trip ego death experience.

but there's no more fire in me to push for personal prestige.

i'm motivated to embody love. to capture genuine moments of joy, to stay with someone's sadness, to facilitate connections among souls needing one another, to make sense of personal struggles. the entire spectrum of being human. to err, to love, to hurt. it's been a while since i last had a mushroom trip, but that's what i've since been gravitating towards - all these unprofitable desires.

perhaps my environment dictates this mindset. working in a career where my income will enable, at best, a modest lifestyle. surrounded by people not amassing inordinate material wealth. when my car and house are not status symbols, my most valuable possession is my heart.

and i've never seen myself as a "heart person"

i think, i process, i realize. i've always been a competitive mental gymnast. for my whole life thus far, i'm more valued for intellect rather than my humanity. now why the sudden change of heart?

with age, i've been feeling the dullness of my mind. it's harder to remember things - as they already are for my adhd brain. it's harder to be open to new experiences. my neurons aren't as plastic as they used to be, i feel. and maybe, as the mind degrades, the heart continues to love.

so i may not have the same mental acuity to prove myself in a technical field of expertise. i won't be writing tomes of knowledge to be passed onto the next generation of learners. i won't have a monument built in my image. besides, all those material symbols of commemoration eventually deteriorate into dust. our existence is only remembered insofar as there are people to remember us by.

i feel no motivation to prove myself. because what's the point?

but i can see my motivation redirected somewhere more valuable.

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