hedgehog's dilemma personified

i hate it when people like me.

i can see ahead. they're adding to the list of people whom i will disappoint. it feels like a prison when people hope for my potential. i can never seem to live up to people's expectations. having lived long enough with as long of a list of people disappointed in me already, even mere anticipation of my capability feels ominous. their rose-tinted glasses of optimism can't see the incoming heartache they're bound to feel.

time and time again, the worst in me reveals itself after the best of me have attracted hopeful patrons.

and it's not like i wanted to let them down. yeah sure, i've anticipated it will happen. but i never wanted to architect my own downfall. it hurts me to hurt them. probably more so than their pain. when they walk away from me, they'll find joy elsewhere. but i have to sit disgusted with myself, adding another name to an ever growing list of people that hate me.

it's my unfortunate duality. the stories of me being the bad guy are true, just as much my outward presentation of my good is equally true.

but i wish people stopped seeing the good in me. i wish people stopped giving me a chance. because the pain i cause them cuts deeper since they've invested in me. i'm shackled to a social contract where i have to consistently perform to their continually growing expectations.

i've been trying. i push people away ahead of time while i'm still lucid, before i succumb to the pressure of staying good, and i start becoming the bad guy they've let their guard down. i distance myself in more ways than one. i limit engagement, i limit time. those that i can keep at arm's length, i maintain good relationships with. those that are persistent, i prepare for when they start hating me. i've accepted the existential loneliness that comes with my fatal character flaw. i've managed my life around the enveloping ache of protecting others from me.

but as long as i continue to put myself out there, more and more people will keep seeing me for the good that i continue to strive for. yes, i have a desire to keep doing good because it is simply who i am. but i likewise carry that darkness in me.

and when people project my potential in their own heads, they never paint the entire picture.

my identity defined by who i am supposed to be for them, and never who i wholly am.

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