in amber

ego dissolution is useful when working out repressed trauma. our ego evolves around the threats and opportunities of our immediate environment. we adopt a narrative from what happens to us, and we orient our values and actions towards a justified direction. we grow callouses from pain, and repeated exposure thickens them - but breaking them takes work. protection isn't always the answer. yes, it serves a purpose from dulling the damage of a bad experience so that it mitigates disruptions to our daily functions. but walling ourselves prevents us from fully experiencing life - crying the needed tears, screaming the needed fury, celebrating the needed elation.

as simple as relying on our ego sounds, it has its limitations. our ego resists radical redirection. it hurts to dismantle a self built on strength, wisdom and resilience - and to admit that all the hard work through the years doesn't serve its purpose anymore. it's scary that all our toils will be discarded because times have changed. so i do get why others are resistant to change, and instead prefer to continually be in ideal environments that benefit their thoroughly developed ego. i understand the allure of finding a comforting niche - wouldn't we all want to find our own cozy little cubby hole?

i've eschewed the existential equilibrium my ego assembled. i've been working on breaking my ego down bit by bit. it's an arduous process of going deep into myself, dispensing with the personal narrative i've curated, connecting disparate perspectives to see beyond my own lived experience. i unearth fossilized traumas. seeing them without their original emotional charge, they're now just moments rather than parts of me. they were defining moments, but because i live a new life now, they don't define me anymore. i can finally excavate these sentimental artifacts and put them in an archive for safekeeping. now i'm left with an open pit of my soul. it's empty, because i've cleaned out my ego, i don't know myself anymore. i have to do the hard work of redefining myself. i have to start all over again.

but at least, now with a fresh start, i can cry all the new tears, scream all the new fury, and celebrate the new elation.

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