carry water

i used to think enlightenment would change my life for the better. i used to have fantasies about what it must be like to be above it all. the constant stream of social media stimulation makes it seem like there's more to life when chasing after our desires. but no, being "above it all" simply means dulling desire.

what they don't tell you is that enlightenment kills excitement. the rat race we ran prior to achieving wisdom is what saturates our life with vibrant color. saving up for clothes that we think will look good on us and impress others. saving up for a vacation so we can temporarily break free from the daily mundanity. or simply splurging on an extravagant night out just so we can feel the power our purchases provide. but the reality is that these are all artificial constructs. we buy into things because they're an easy plug-and-play way to define ourselves. but truth is, it takes work to construct who we are.

we're easily defined by what we're forced to do. it wasn't our choice to be students, our parents thought it was the right thing to send us to class for our entire childhood and adolescence. after school, it's likely to be our choice to work. we need the money to actually live. some are luckier than others, they work on something that significantly synchronizes with who they are. others are forced into a role or are stuck, but hey, at least it pays the bills. school and work are two things that force us in a predetermined space. that provides scaffolding for building our identity. the grades we achieve open up the job opportunities, which in turn could lead to lucrative ventures. we reap the rewards of our economic value with transactions and conspicuous consumption. and that's how most build their identity. overly simplistic, yes. but it's largely linear and predictive.

looking back, it was nice to have that structure. while it may have been hectic and tumultuous, at least it's a polished path, walked through by a lot already. being out of the rat race is a different kind of difficult. you're still in the same physical environment, but the allure that comes with it is gone. it's easy to fall into nihilism. if you're not enticed by the next purchase or the dream destination, what's the point? we've been freed from going with the shallow flow, thus revealing our powerlessness to go anywhere else but along it.

where else could i go? i don't know yet. but i do know i don't want to sink.