burn victim

i once cried over having only 40-something years to live left. i made the logical jump from demographic life expectancy to my own mortality. it's ridiculous now, but my past self would've wanted compassion and assurance. i received patience and a space to express my fears, but i don't think i was ever guided by any one wiser.

so i decided to live life to the fullest - whatever that meant.

a misguided teenager wanting to "live life to the fullest" sounds dangerous. today, i suffer the consequences of irresponsible decisions. i wish i could tell my past self that the "life you want to live fully include the lives of your subsequent selves"

no tomorrow - i convinced myself to believe.

it was destructive. in conjunction with my oxymoronic self-hatred and desire to feel alive, i was throwing my body without any reasonable regard for risk. in fact, the riskier, the more enticing. i wanted to burn bright, blazing through a trail that screams "lived life to the fullest"

but when there's nothing left to burn, we have to set ourselves on fire.

so much for life expectancy.

but the thing with being engulfed in flames, it's survivable when pulled out before it fully consumes you. life has a way of throwing a bucket of cold water onto us, but external intervention is just a redirection. the steps towards re-orienting myself must be made by my own two feet, scars and all.