just before eureka

competing with the wrong people warped my identity. 

growing up, the only form of competition i knew were games and sport. contained environments where everyone played by clear cut rules within a set period of time. it was easy for my immature brain to comprehend. yeah sure, i recognized back then, that kids were competing in ways much bigger than recreational activities - like being the top in class or student government leaders. those fields were too mature for me. i didn't care about getting the most right answers in an exam, and i sure as hell never wanted to go on-stage to convince the entire student body that i deserve their trust. hell, even i didn't trust myself. i was simply excited for class to end so i can get to the pitch, court or in front of my computer.

but then, as i settled into adulthood, i found that my strong interests were merely pastimes, and that the vast majority of a working man's time is spent on the mature things i had shied away from in my youth. 

well if it this was going to be the rest of my life, might as well learn the ropes. i looked around, seeing the examples set by my colleagues: work hard to elevate your reputation and minimize others' credit, control the flow of information and make sure you're the only person to know everything, influence perspectives to make others look bad.

to my limited world view, they were the benchmarks.

my gut told me those values were grossly disharmonious with mine, but then again, it was my gut that made me gravitate toward the fun of games and sport. i had already been misguided by my inner voice, so it doesn't deserve any more credence.

but the more i tried embodying the examples set by my environment, the bigger the bitter pill i was swallowing. i literally needed actual pills to help me sleep at night from all the stress of working on things that never came naturally to me. it was indeed distasteful, but i had hope that with all medicines, it will help me get better.

but life isn't a clear cut diagnosis of symptoms to be solved.

life is an experiment.

and experiments have placebos.

i might've just been swallowing pure bitterness for all the wrong reasons.