helping myself to the process

i'm forcing myself to write. because maybe this will squeeze something out of me that will start a wave of momentum to continue writing, or at least stay consistent. the problem is i largely depend on motivation to do things. unfortunately, it doesn't sustain a salaryman. the good thing about the incentive structure in my workplace is that whether i work hard or i barely work at all, my remuneration remains the same. so i can practically phone it in for an entire year and i'd still get the same salary had i been pushing myself to the limit. that's why management plays such an important role to keep me balanced. i don't have a concept of balance. i'm either extremely productive or i'm barely in my cubicle. what troubles me is that i struggle with this my entire life. people around me wants me to be normal, just like everyone else. i struggle to do so. it would be nice if i can fit into mainstream society. less friction that way. then i wouldn't have these troubles being alienated.

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