aimless ramble

i've been struggling with life lately. like "years lately" kind of lately. 

i'm at a point in life where the way to move forward is to have intrinsic motivation. i did well when i was being told what to do. now when i have to initiate my trajectory, i fizzle out.

like writing here.

it's been four years since i had a flurry of material. writing almost daily honed my ability. perhaps it was momentum from intrinsic motivation triggered by external circumstances. i remember having clever phrases come naturally, almost like magic.

but now i struggle to even get my thoughts through here because "why the fuck does this matter?"

i guess i have to stick with it to make it mean something. perhaps it doesn't mean anything at all and my words are equivalent to time spent doomscrolling.

perhaps it shouldn't even matter whether i'm relevant or not. i perhaps just need to orient myself at a certain direction and pursue it wholeheartedly. it's difficult feeling lost.

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