endo

it's been a while since i checked in. it's probably going to be the general theme of my writing moving forward. unless something significant happens. 

i can feel my hormones aren't what they used to be. i don't have the same enthusiasm for life as i used to have - or what's little of it. my natural inclination for depression had always dulled my experience of life. it's never as exciting or as dynamic as other peoples' lives seemed to be. or perhaps, comparison is thieving away at my joy. i could very well argue that my perception is the only practically valid perspective. so if other people are living better, then it's none of my business. or, again, it's just the declining hormones talking.

humans are such a slave to our hormones. if we're so intelligently designed, then the spike in hormones in our adolescence and early adulthood should've been our springboard to our life's constant trajectory - like entrepreneurship, or a skilled vocation, or starting your own family. there is wisdom to the guidance of elders, and it seems to me that the new age shit of figuring out life on our own came at a cost of stunting our growth. i get it. i used to want to be fiercely independent. i wanted to be the authority of my own life. but now that i'm wiser and have less life essence, i wish i had been mentored while my biology played to my advantage. i'm not as neuroplastic anymore. i have declining hormones. my body is changing in the direction that suggest i ought to settle down now. unfortunately, i've only began to figure out how to live. this kind of mindset ought to have been for people with more energy.

the youth won't get it. i understand. i've been there. and eventually they'll get this point too. and they themselves will start regretting. tradition truly did serve a purpose. i finally understood when i saw the consequences of hubris to chart my own path.

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