arms too short to box

the cost of wanting a response is the anxiety of anticipation. 

i hate having to wait. having to want. i get it though. the payoff appears to be worth it. exciting. addicting. so you put yourself out there. possibly put on hold. possibly reciprocated. but while it's still up in the air, the uncertainty is unsettling.

in all objectivity, it's just fabricated fear. whether it happens or it doesn't, life goes on. ambition sets a good direction, but it must be tempered with adaptability. iron eventually cools down and any further striking is simply sunk costs.

you win, you lean into it and keep playing. hooks you in until the next hit. but if you lose, you need to step away. my coping mechanism has always been pretending to not care. lying to myself makes it feel easier to move on. but it's leaving without the lesson. you can't learn if you don't recognize reality. harboring the hurt is harder but it's a necessary evil.

i need to be at ease with the pain. i overthink to fill in the time it takes to decide my fate. it's beyond my control. i hate it. but i'm not god.

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