filling a void

i haven't been living my life at my own pace.

in my desire to be liked or to prove my worth, i've prioritized becoming what others want me to be instead of what i'm comfortable becoming. in the first place, i don't even have an accurate idea of what others want. i've been thinking of them as the most demanding and biggest monsters possible - always wanting me to deliver perfection despite never being anywhere close to it.

but regardless of how close they are to reality, i think it doesn't even matter.

i think consent is central to any social connection.

whether they care so much that i give my all, or if they're actually chill with whatever i bring, i have to first agree with their expectations for my actions to follow.

i've been too much of a people pleaser for people i don't actually care to please. i keep doing it because i've gotten used to saying "yes" more than saying "no". this is perhaps a consequence of failure to prioritize. generosity and service to others is a good thing, but it must always come from somewhere.

and if it doesn't come from surplus, it will be from a deficit.

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