win-lose columns

i regret letting myself become who i've been for the past couple of decades.

it started nice. i was surrounded with well-intentioned people. they showered me with substantial luxuries. all signs pointed to a good destination.

however, i had a taste of what was good before seeing the difficulties to get it. i took it for granted. i got lazy, but somehow i always get saved in the end. i assumed i was unaffected by consequences because there were always those that will take the fall for me.

but you won't get anywhere desirable if you kept losing. yes, i felt untouchable, but that's because i was out of touch with what i needed to do and who i needed to be. ideal outcomes always felt out of reach. i made a habit of settling.

my unrealized entitlement grew into resentment. i became jaded to preempt the pain of failure. i never put in any honest effort to accomplish anything. i kept redefining my expectations to have a semblance of a win.

it was a cycle that was leading to my demise.

i remained blind. there was always something to blame. there was always a reason to not even try. my mess was piling up from neglect. staying oblivious felt like the better choice because it saved me from the agony of addressing my flaws. i thought i had lacked the capacity to push myself to become better. i made a choice to keep losing and continually settling with less because the cost of corrective action was overwhelming.

seeing as any resistance is futile, i accepted defeat. convinced myself i deserve a bitter end. consequently, it was also the first time i truly owned up to my misgivings. after all the wrong i've done, it's only now that i'm facing any consequences.

that's when i started finally taking control. that's when i started seeing what i'm capable of.

the shambles i found myself in was actually my fault. i equipped myself with tools of destruction to waste other people's sacrifices. i was in a bad place because i put in the all my energy to bring myself there.

that's when i woke up to the potential of my power.

i have all of this raw effort. i have all of these people that saw i was worth supporting. i just didn't orient myself to the right direction. 

i was a loser. i lost by my own undoing. but as it turns out, accepting this loss felt like a bigger victory than any previous wins i got from lowering my standards.