eat me henger

when i was younger, my first consideration in anything was "what's in it for me?" being self-serving was fun while it lasted. but then perks have become less and less alluring. been there, done that, anything else new? nothing. oh well. so why even try? with age, my consideration has primarily become "how soon can i get it over with?" very rarely are things worth the energy anymore. almost everything leaves me tired rather than satisfied. i've grown to accept that disenchantment is the norm. it's not that i know how the tricks are done, but i just don't bother with finding out how rabbits are pulled out of hats. i'm sure there's some brilliant mechanism behind it that someone must've worked hard for. but i'm not the audience anymore. i've given up on finding that magic. it's lost, but it's not an absolute loss. life will go on without it. there will be a next day. it doesn't have to be remarkable. it just has to keep o

i have sympathy for manipulative abusers. i've known them long enough to be familiar with the ins and outs of their modus operandi. hell, i've even ended up being in an intimate relationship with them. manipulation is one of the ways to get an ideal outcome. cause at the end of the day, we just want to get what we need or want. ergo, manipulation can be either reasonable or unreasonable. it's definitely unfair. you're treating an oblivious individual in a particular way that will result in a predictable reaction leading to your preferable scenario. manipulation is what people do when they decide, either by choice or out of necessity, a level-headed discussion or negotiation isn't desirable. manipulation isn't fighting fair. i don't like being in unfavorable situations, but i have to put up with people to maintain harmony in society. so i'm vigilant of any and all efforts of take advantage of me. most of the time i catch onto it, but sometimes i get playe

the best we can do is to treat everyone with basic decency. don't lie, don't cheat, don't steal. it should be the bare minimum for every human interaction, but it's so hard to come by these days. i've been lied to more often than i've been told the truth. my reality has mostly become one big lie. i operate life on the fuzzy logic of half truths. what was true yesterday won't necessarily true today and will definitely not be true tomorrow. the only constant is determined at the onset of the outcome. it all the more baffles me to think how i seem to getting my shit together all these years. is the truth really that important? if we can function normally with invalid input, then why bother with any form of validation? the thing about societies is that someone else suffers the consequences when one fails to cushion it completely. it's nice to have someone having your back, that someone may someday need you to have theirs too. but we're regularly exposed

i really have no need for anyone. it's psychotic for me to realize, but people are disposable. not that i can't be sentimental about those that i love. it's nice that they're in my life, they're the best, but the world won't end when they're gone. it's going to suck - and that's about it. i've seen people come and go, that's par for the course for most people, but the kicker is that i don't have a lot of relationships, so every loss is heavier. it's my fault for trying to meaningful emotional investment with people. very rarely will i have shallow interactions. even i try to get to know deeply the struggles of any random taxi driver. so the people that i left or have left me had a significant value attached to them. it's trauma after trauma of cutting off people from your life. it keeps on hurting, again and again. it doesn't get any better, i don't get numb. the most i get is a better perspective on why it isn't as ba

despite having spent all of my life under my family's house, it's only now during the year-long lockdown that i've seen how hard it actually is. i'm not up for this kind of life. it's nice and all, but it doesn't make sense to have one given my situation. i don't get fellow government folk that think it's reasonable to raise a family with our measly salary. it's too little to be shared with other people. they will reason that a family will manage with modest resources. i can't argue with them, they're living proof. but i think that mindset leads to poverty, or at least a low-middle class lifestyle. every person needs a minimum cost component to live a life of prosperity, having your own job is fine, you can fend for yourself, you can buy the things you want, you have enough savings for the rainy day. but a family means money-earners will have to cover for the upkeep of those that can't earn for themselves. i'm enjoying my life because

i feel for single mothers. i really do. yeah sure, i'm the asshole for leaving my ex as a single mother herself, but i still feel for women like her. it takes a village to raise a child, and to have one less villager is enough of a loss. it's not the end of the world though. the human spirit is strong. any woman brave enough to take parenting on her own has a shit ton of resolve. it's not ideal cause you need to distribute the burden of caring for a child to several other people to maintain sanity, but we're handed predicaments in all shapes and sizes all the time, the least we can do is try. i have a lot of respect for those that try, no matter the outcome, whether they raise a bad bastard or a lebron james. parenting is hard, and doing it solo is exponentially harder. i also feel for those that abandon single mothers. i am one, so i'm doing my best to reprezent. we're all bad. we chose to be selfish over something as precious as another human being's life.

i'm less likely to win awards because i don't like living my life for others. promotions are coming up in the office again, and there seems to be unanimous support for me to go for it. that's flattering, but no. i don't like career progress for progress' sake. i get a higher paycheck, i get bigger responsibilities, i have a nicer title - so what? the value is obvious, yes. but i don't see the meaning. i like nice stuff, they require money to get, but i don't need nice stuff. missing out isn't that bad of a feeling. there are worse situations, like a toothache, or holding your pee for 3 hours. not being able to buy expensive stuff isn't a tragedy. i like power, they require work to get, but i don't need power. it's fine that i'm not at the center of important things in the workplace. it's not my head on the line, i can keep my appendages intact. my sanity is more important than my legacy. not being a boss isn't a horrible situation

it hurts my brain to think about the future seriously. my youthfully shortsighted view of life has me excited about superficial pursuits. in my 20s, i've fallen into different traps of addiction to social media validation, comparing myself to others and re-living my past in the present. i don't know what hit me, but it just suddenly made sense that i was doing things wrong for most of my life. by design, social media puts us in situations where we're constantly seeking a positive response from our followers. fundamentally that's a good thing. it builds harmony, it fosters positive human connections, it lays the foundation for a better society. but addiction to the point of desperation ruins it. i found myself doing things because other people will like it more than i liked it myself. i'm staying away from instagram stories. i was after the good feeling of being accepted, but i was also unwittingly eroding my authenticity. being desperate for approval made it attract

i'm legitimately dismayed that daft punk retired. they probably planned it in advance to hit that numerology thing of 02/22/21 - couldn't they have waited a year later, or better yet, the invention of a 22nd month. it sucks cause "alive 2007" was my jam during last year's lockdown. daft punk's concert tour was credit as having changed live performances of electronic music with intricate stage designs and ornate light shows that went along with the music. i was hoping they'd tour again. with the money i had saved for a stable future, i'd spend it for the ticket, flight and visa to whichever nearby country they'll perform in. i think that's a fair tradeoff cause you couldn't get any decent footage of daft punk's one and only concert. it was all fan-uploaded videos using digital cameras - yes, back when phones and cameras needed to be two separate things. by the time our mobile phones have gone smart and pro, then daft punk only performed