i'm going to self-help the hell out of you

it hurts my brain to think about the future seriously.

my youthfully shortsighted view of life has me excited about superficial pursuits. in my 20s, i've fallen into different traps of addiction to social media validation, comparing myself to others and re-living my past in the present. i don't know what hit me, but it just suddenly made sense that i was doing things wrong for most of my life.

by design, social media puts us in situations where we're constantly seeking a positive response from our followers. fundamentally that's a good thing. it builds harmony, it fosters positive human connections, it lays the foundation for a better society. but addiction to the point of desperation ruins it. i found myself doing things because other people will like it more than i liked it myself. i'm staying away from instagram stories. i was after the good feeling of being accepted, but i was also unwittingly eroding my authenticity.

being desperate for approval made it attractive to lose myself so others will find me acceptable. having to live up to a standard of widespread approval meant i had to fit a certain criteria. it magnified my shortcomings and highlighted my limitations. it devalued my strengths that were unappreciated by others but were important to me.

what's the point of having a life of your own if you're going to live for whims of other people?

selflessness has its place. yes, somehow you have to live for other people's benefit. but it has to come from well-meaning intentions. doing things for others just because you want to be appreciated is a selfish desire. yeah sure, it makes other people happy, but that positive result is merely incidental and not necessarily what you initially set out to do. stumbling into success casts doubt on our ability to have control of our own lives.

we have to live life, we have to live it now.

it's embittering to know that i was doing things the wrong way and that i should have been making more progress. that's the sign things have to change. that's the reminder to start doing things better. comparing your present situation with other people is grossly unfair. matter cannot occupy the same space at the same time, so everyone's journey is extremely unique. we may live on the same planet or have the same 24 hours in a day, but we all did things our own way at our own time. the only fair comparison we can make is with someone that had exactly the same situations and actions - that someone is our past selves.

we have to move forward with time. if you're no different than who you were yesterday and you're just as dissatisfied, things won't get any good. something has to change to get better. be it our environment, the people around us, or ourselves.

it takes effort to get there. it means expending energy. it means exhaustion. it means sacrificing some short-term comfort.

and that is why my brain hurts.

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