written in the stars

i really have no need for anyone.

it's psychotic for me to realize, but people are disposable. not that i can't be sentimental about those that i love. it's nice that they're in my life, they're the best, but the world won't end when they're gone. it's going to suck - and that's about it.

i've seen people come and go, that's par for the course for most people, but the kicker is that i don't have a lot of relationships, so every loss is heavier. it's my fault for trying to meaningful emotional investment with people. very rarely will i have shallow interactions. even i try to get to know deeply the struggles of any random taxi driver. so the people that i left or have left me had a significant value attached to them.

it's trauma after trauma of cutting off people from your life. it keeps on hurting, again and again. it doesn't get any better, i don't get numb. the most i get is a better perspective on why it isn't as bad as it feels. important people will feel necessary - but they aren't. life will go on without them. life will also go on without you either. nobody is necessary for life to happen. yeah sure, people will add value to your life, but that's at the cost of taking something away from you. you can't simply just take what others will give without carving out some of your energy to receive it.

there's no ideal situation. even keeping people around carries with it an emotional burden that i have to deal with along with the happiness they bring. i would've wanted social connections to be optional because all i want is my peace and quiet. i will face challenges that make life interesting on my terms. unfortunately, the real world is an arena of messy collisions and we just try to make a beautiful story out of it to comfort ourselves. human beings are great at connecting dots after the fact. hell, we made randomly arranged distant celestial beings to form a figure that somehow determines our personalities.

but is there really a need for that? isn't life simply just pointless.

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