hello bottles my old friend

i'm a functional mess.

somehow i still get enough things done so i'm not completely useless. purpose is what drives me to keep going. if not for the things my past self had signed up for, then i wouldn't be keeping to my obligations. if i had a choice, i would just drop everything and wither away until this wave of depression disappears.

i'm functional enough to not admit to everyone how broken down i am right now. writing here affords me the freedom i can't have elsewhere. even to the people whom i love dearly, i still can't be completely genuine with them because nobody needs a broken piece of shit in their lives. i suffer in silence to save them from the superfluous stress of seeing my shortcomings. they can't fix it for me. nobody has the solution. all they can concretely offer me is their company. and then what? i waste their time. i don't bring any value into their lives. i take away from them without giving any back. i'm fine with others leeching from me, but i will not be the kind of person i despise.

it's bad enough that i hate the person i've become right now.

i desperately cling onto a sense of order and consistency because i can never seem to hold onto anything for an extended period of time without fumbling. i have no business being a friend or family because i will always falter. i've seen it time and time again. i'll be the best person in their life one moment, and then i disappear from their life like a passerby, and then i return once again when needed and i'm the best person once more. it's a cycle of appearing and disappearing that i've gotten too familiar with. so much so that i know as soon as i recognize i'm sharing a memorable moment with whoever, i'll be counting down the time until i drift off without a trace. it's not like i want to go away. finding comfort in someone else's company is one of the things that make humanity beautiful. but again, i always falter. suddenly, all of the troubles that i had thought i let go creeps back. suddenly, the laughs and smiles to maintain human connection becomes harder to put up. suddenly, time alone with my thoughts become more horrifying.

oftentimes they just go away on their own, and i'm back to being my productive self.

but now it's been months and i keep getting derailed as soon as i feel i'm getting back on track. i'm guessing it's because i'm under pressure to be okay again. i anxiously await the moment i can once again genuinely smile and face life fearlessly. but that anxiety that desires to get to the destination is the same force that pushes me away from the end goal. i can't find that stability and confidence to get back into my element because i worry every single time if i'm taking too long or if i'm doing it right. i find myself repeatedly failing due to an excess in self-consciousness. it becomes a negative feedback loop that i can't get away from. i'm fucking exhausted.

i long desire for the one true fix. i sure as hell can't find the right formula for myself. the puzzle is too difficult and it's not worth the trouble because the workaround takes less energy and gets to the desired result provided i live with some flaws. it's enough of a compromise since there's no other feasible alternative. but with changing times, i either need to make this work or to give it all up.

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