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i feel negative feelings much more intensely as i age.

that's why i've been averse from most human interactions because the smallest things trigger me and then i'm falling off the stairs again. i'm there when needed, because adding value to people's lives outweigh the trouble of having my feelings hurt one way or another. i'm becoming more and more sensitive - embarrassingly so.

perhaps it's because i've carried so much trauma that it constantly burdens me so any little trouble is a straw that breaks my back. i can't imagine facing the world at large with this propensity to get butthurt easily. well there's always substance dependency. it's no wonder older people are found frequenting bars and never walking up with pill bottles beside their beds. healthcare should be more widely available. maybe then i could be more functional in society.

in as much as i try to make it on my own, i don't see any feasible way to do it. i will either need people or things despite how useless both have been proving themselves to be. i'm not seeing a convincing reason to recognize their marginal benefit to my life other than a means to fill the void. admittedly, my life has indeed been vacuous and it's by deliberate design. perhaps this alienation is a result of having neither. minimalism hasn't been serving me well. reducing my dependence on worldly materials seem to be backfiring by rewiring my understanding of relationships between people and things as a matter of utilitarian value. i have no idea what these buddhist monks are doing, but it certainly isn't working for me. perhaps because i'm coming from a place of vitriol and those ascetics are driven by spiritual purpose. i'm out of luck, i don't have a strong inclination towards a god. the more i learn, the less i'm sold about this jesus thing. i can't start worshiping yaweh cause i don't have a community to jump into. nor do i even have a real desire to seek a nearby synagogue. it doesn't help to have so many directions to go to because it reminds you of how lost you truly are.

i give up. my compass is faulty and i can't find my north.

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