absorbent

every time i'm asked to open up to others, i'm reminded why it's never a good idea. never.

i'm the only person that can best understand everything i'm going through because i've already woven the multiple layers of my narrative. having to explain it to others is laborious. best case scenario they'll summarize what i said, worst case scenario i'm misinterpreted and then my whole story becomes bastardized and they dictate the direction. oftentimes it's the awkward middle of simply not getting the key point of my struggle. perhaps it's my inability to narrate accessibly. perhaps since i never had any faith in people to ever understand me, i never developed the skill to tell my own story. perhaps i'm just not that self-centered enough to talk about myself. point is, i'm always dissatisfied when opening up to others.

i get it. trying is futile. some women grow old with their hymens intact. mine is never having a fulfilling conversation about myself. which is fine because it seems disgustingly self indulgent. why the fuck should i talk about myself. i have this blog. i have the freedom of anonymity and a disconnection from people's judgement. that's why i would much rather that others open up about themselves because that way we avoid having a situation where both our weaknesses are revealed. i'm at my best as the confidant rather than the confider because i'm a pretty damn good listener and synthesizer of ideas.

it's always a tense situation when i'm put on the spot to open up. i don't have any stories that are worth telling. who the fuck cares anyway. they'll be just as unsatisfactory with caring than they are with listening. we should play to our strengths. i'm the book nobody ever understands. that's why i'm a better notepad than i am a piece of informative literature. i feel bad about it, yes. but it's not like i have any choice. i don't take it against others to fail at something that they didn't even sign up for to be good at in the first place anyway.

only adds to the self-loathing.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

an ode to rubenesque figures

i have to give credit to the fat women that have been part of my life. they're the most solid figure i've consistently had. i'm not sure whether it's a widespread obesity thing, probably not. neither is it simply a matter of me seeking out fat women to have in my life. it's not like a woman's excess of weight affect their personality, other than perhaps having a voracious appetite, and if there's anything i can always get along with it's love for food. and it's not like their perceived huggableness matter to me, physical touch ranks extremely low in my preference for human interactions. admittedly, i will find chunkier women more attractive, but almost all of the fat women in my life have always been platonic arrangements. so no, i have no idea why there's always a fat woman playing a significant role in my life. but what i am certain of is that i am pretty damn grateful for them no matter how much of a strange recurring theme it may be.
Read more

dark side of the gym

when you fall in love, it never absolutely disappears. i still have a warm regard for them. if the soles of their feet are blistered from wearing heels all day, i'd be the first to get them a chair. if they decide to put up a bakery, i'd have a courier arrange for the delivery of the cupcakes. if they're in a tight situation and are short on ramen funds, i'd immediately cover the bill. it's the least i could do. despite not being attracted to them anymore nor having a desire to try and find a flame to rekindle, i believe they're still special human beings and the world is a much better place because of their existence. appreciating them from afar is the best form of relationship i could have with them. there's a reason it didn't work out in the end. being in close proximity with anyone reveal parts of people that spells the difference between temporary and permanent. while my time with them were short-lived, i'm certain that love, in whatever f
Read more

time space continuum

the older i get, the more i wish i could travel back in time with what i know now  i used to be a 5th grader wishing to be a 2nd grader, thinking i will ace all basic arithmetic after finally understanding algebra. then i became a college student wishing to be a high schooler, thinking i will re-invent myself after finally overcoming my social awkwardness. then i became a working adult wishing to be a student, thinking i will get into better schools after finally developing a solid work ethic. and now i'm in my 30s wishing to re-live life all over again, thinking i will avoid all of my life's regrets after finally learning from my mistakes. it's likely that this pattern will continue.
Read more