retrograde

i wonder whether it's all a call for help.

because if it were, then i'm doing a crappy job. maybe i am being dumb about it. maybe i'm just not popping the right pills. maybe i'm dismissive of those that sincerely want to help. maybe i really don't want this problem solved. maybe i want to be that piece of shit that everyone really don't want in their lives.

because i don't want this for myself either.

i sincerely wonder what kind of help will make things better. i'm doing most of the sensible solutions to help myself. doing something and doing nothing are equally hard processes, and i'm already choosing the path that leads to change. but nothing ever seems to be more than merely momentary change.

there's very little to complain about and a lot of things to be grateful for. but somehow, i'm back in the same hole i strove to get out from. i sincerely don't know if i have done or continuing to do something wrong. i objectively know what's right, i do them, but they don't seem to solve anything in the long run.

i used to be confident that i won't take drastic measures for a quick solution. but it's becoming more likely.

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