death march

i may have already committed suicide.

i certainly feel dead inside, i may already be in an afterlife. the disconnection is decidedly dissonant. i share my smiles and laughter, but i don't feel i'm actually expressing them. i receive kindness and recognition, but i don't feel i'm actually deserving of them. this footing is frighteningly familiar. how long have i been suffering through this?

regardless whether i'm alive or not, what's the point. all the effort feels futile. i'm either fully living and slowly dying or i'm already dead and won't sink any further.

if somehow i can still keep giving while feeling i have nothing, then what difference does it make if i kept on going.

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