eat me henger

i never truly was convinced that i'm worth it. no amount of cosmetics can mask everything that makes me ugly. yeah sure, it can even out the scars on my skin, but only temporarily. but even then, for the most part, i'm not self-conscious with how unsightly i am. i really only experience the world from my perspective and never really how i'm perceived to be. perhaps caking on a lot of make up has effectively thickened my skin that i've become unfeeling. but it's only when i see my reflection - be it on a mirror, a photograph, or word of mouth - i'm hit hard with what i actually am. granted, it's only an external manifestation of me, it doesn't show everything going on behind the scenes, it fails to capture the essence of my existence. nevertheless, perception remains to be reality. and i can be hard on the eyes. maybe real beauty does come from within. but no matter how hard i scrub myself with soap, it doesn't feel like i'm able to uncover what i...

a lot of times i don't believe i'm the right man, in the right place, at the right time. self-doubt often barges into my door more regularly than i would've wanted to. i don't always have the strength to keep it out. i'm usually the idiot that lets it in and allow it to overstay its welcome. it's made a cozy space that sometimes i'm caught off guard and it shows up comfortably nestled chipping away at my self-esteem. i try as much as i could to listen to what everyone has got to say. even dangerous ideas that are toxic for myself. that's why i'm very much in touch with my personal demons. self-doubt is one i constantly converse with, have a laugh, and counterproductively welcome into my life. it's become quite unhealthy to keep staying in a disadvantaged position. yeah sure, a bit of self-doubt helps. it reminds you to stay alert and make sure you're not half-assing things. however, when it's a generous heaping of self-doubt, then it star...

i could continue living like this and it'll be fine. sure, i do have dreams for myself. i've envisioned so many versions of my future. having been through the various stages of a journey - the first few steps, struggle of the climb, satisfaction of getting to the peak, cautiously descending or tumbling down - i know it doesn't make any real difference whether it turns one way or wildly in another. i have the utmost confidence that it's going to be fine. my happiness isn't dependent on what the future brings. i can dance with danger because the future is so mutable - lacking any form of certainty. to put your eggs in an ethereal basket runs the risk of having it crushed if it doesn't materialize in an ideal manner. it's prudent to keep hold of them until you have a semblance of certainty. that's why i know better to stay grounded in the here and now. the future will sort itself out. as long as you maintain to keep doing the right things today, you will bu...

i feel like such an impostor for being a different person to different people. it'd be much simpler if i had the same formula for everyone. it's not like i'm consciously doing it to be manipulative for my personal gain. in fact, i'm actively avoiding situations where i'll be receiving any material benefit from my actions. but i just can't keep a consistent persona across all of my social links. i'll be affectionate to one but i'll be brash to another, while maintaining comparable level of fondness for either. i've yet to fully comprehend this disconnect. but i really do care about others. i really do have a soft spot for the vulnerable. i really do have love for the human race. but i also like making fun of others. i also derive pleasure from deriding the vulnerable. i also have scorn for the human race. i'm almost always genuine about the feelings i express. in fact, i'm more likely to be disingenuous by suppressing any expression of my emot...

sometimes i catch myself in the middle of a sentence i don't like saying. not that what i'm saying is inherently bad. it's just that i don't feel that it's the right thing to say to someone whom i'm trying to regard differently. we have to at least deliver what's asked from us. you can't simply open a pack of all-purpose cream and serve it to someone asking for a cheesy heaping of bechamel. comfort can be distressing when assigned to achieving certain goals. but then again maybe it's just me and my warped sense of how things should be. there are rules to the game. i have to think and act a certain way. in attempt to do so, i try to approximate other people's examples cause i can never come up with an original thought. i mean, it's sensible to base things off from well established recipes, no? but never having the right answer is always a cause for anxiety. so much so that i desperately cling onto the most conventional of wisdoms even when not...

i have in me a potential for evil. history has shown my propensity for vindictive violence, manipulative malevolence, and my callous contempt within my social circles. i've been seen more as an enemy than as a bystander, and much less so as a friend. as a result, i don't keep a lot of relationships nowadays. the only ones left are those willing enough to stay after having been burnt by my obscenely fiery disposition. i like humoring myself into thinking that i'm a fan of equality. in that, i have a ruthless regard for either friend or foe. my personal preservation is paramount. anyone along my avenue to accomplishment are accessories to assist me. very rarely my tyranny gets checked. i've been playing the game for far too long that i have a set blueprint to perpetuate my authoritarian rule. it's second nature. it's almost invisible. so much so that i need not lie nor conceal anything to maintain my machinations for manipulation. i've been playing the game fo...

jesus never stayed in the garden of gethsemane. neither did i stay practicing my catholic faith. but there is wisdom in these ancient anecdotes that's still appropriate today. exposing your vulnerability and crying in the comfort of a walled garden is just the right place to recuperate. i can keep whining about my history of getting hit in the head with its long-term and invisible effects. the suffering is real, yes. but it doesn't have to be permanent. no matter how weak your body feels like, as long as your spirit stays strong, you will endure. so say your piece, cry your tears, and pack up your things. but doing so doesn't necessarily ensure that it's going to be easier. in fact, it's almost always a foreshadowing of the worst to come. you don't agonize over an impending nuisance. it is usually followed by a much bigger hurdle to overcome. as soon as you're out into the wilderness, you won't have your floral fortification to protect you from everythin...

i was insanely in love with her. as with everything i throw myself into, i give nothing less than a hundred percent. i welcomed the challenge. i was constantly pushed to the limit. it made me feel so alive. when i had thought i had given my best, i keep finding out that i'm still managing to keep getting better. it was ecstasy. so much has happened in the span of a couple of years. highest of highs, lowest of lows. it felt like an entire lifetime's worth of experiences. could've gone forever. of course, i had wanted to. but it's a break up i'm revisiting now and not another anniversary. credit for the both of us, we worked the hardest that we could. we were better lovers to each other in a comparatively short time from our respective previous lovers. that's what perhaps drew us together. our purposeful drive to be the best versions of ourselves. we weren't perfect. we knew that. that's why we put in a great deal of effort. it could've been harder as ...

i haven't had time to write here because i've been writing for school instead. i could easily copy-paste essays on revolutionary government and research methods so i have new material here. but that's really not the purpose of this space. i still write in a similar fashion for school, the only difference is that i'm told what to write about and that i have to use proper capitalization. yes, i've started doing school. and i will admit, it's gotten pretty damn ugly. not that it's hard, it's fine, it's just a matter of opening a web browser or a video conferencing client. what i didn't expect to sign up for was the actual studying and the assignments. i fucking hate that part. i was never a good student outside the bounds of a classroom. i was an anomaly in class because everyone knew i had a brilliant brain, but numbers on my report card don't seem to reflect it. i will stand toe to toe with the teacher based on whatever they're spewing in ...