fisting myself for a future

i haven't had time to write here because i've been writing for school instead. i could easily copy-paste essays on revolutionary government and research methods so i have new material here. but that's really not the purpose of this space. i still write in a similar fashion for school, the only difference is that i'm told what to write about and that i have to use proper capitalization.

yes, i've started doing school. and i will admit, it's gotten pretty damn ugly. not that it's hard, it's fine, it's just a matter of opening a web browser or a video conferencing client. what i didn't expect to sign up for was the actual studying and the assignments. i fucking hate that part. i was never a good student outside the bounds of a classroom. i was an anomaly in class because everyone knew i had a brilliant brain, but numbers on my report card don't seem to reflect it. i will stand toe to toe with the teacher based on whatever they're spewing in their lectures, but i show up without having gone through the required reading, nor any homework or project. cause really, i didn't took school seriously. it was the biggest farce growing up. i remember being in a classroom of 30 kids being taught christian values, and i don't see my values being aligned with the other kids that went through the same class. i remember being taught how to change a car's engine oil, and yet i go pay a mechanic to do it. i remember being taught african literature, and i can better recall rap lyrics than the literary works of black people. i saw school as the place for people that can competently regurgitate information back to the teacher. it didn't see the point of remembering for remembering's sake.

it took me years of post-school leisurely studying to realize the value of mandatory education for pre-adults, especially for society at large, as a social transformation mechanism. i think it's just poorly communicated to both parents and children the real value of sending kids to school. it doesn't sit well with me when i'm told to do something because it's what others are doing and that historically it's proven to improve everyone's lives. thing about me is that i need to understand its meaning. i need to see the underlying purpose. i don't see the point of hows when the whys are left unanswered.

signing up for school meant that i'm taking away time to figure out my life - what'll i do, where i'm headed. especially at a period in my life where i feel utterly lost. work and study are two good time sinks that give you a semblance of direction in life. they're prepackaged sets of activities that make you feel life is moving forward. but you're just another seat in a cubicle, another student in class. you're not of consequential value. we just sound like we're doing something important. i'm convinced that adults really don't have life figured out and they're just winging it, that's why they commit glaring mistakes every now and then. i have the luxury of not having massive responsibilities that test the limit of my decision-making capabilities. someday my sibling will have to leave this household and i have to start doing the dishes. someday my bosses will have to retire and i'll have to start stepping up to climb the office organizational chart. someday my parents will have to die and i have to start paying property taxes. more work lies ahead and time is not going any slower to wait until i get my shit together.

but until then, i have a fuckton of readings and assignments i have to bullshit my way through.