midnight dreary

a lot of times i don't believe i'm the right man, in the right place, at the right time.

self-doubt often barges into my door more regularly than i would've wanted to. i don't always have the strength to keep it out. i'm usually the idiot that lets it in and allow it to overstay its welcome. it's made a cozy space that sometimes i'm caught off guard and it shows up comfortably nestled chipping away at my self-esteem.

i try as much as i could to listen to what everyone has got to say. even dangerous ideas that are toxic for myself. that's why i'm very much in touch with my personal demons. self-doubt is one i constantly converse with, have a laugh, and counterproductively welcome into my life. it's become quite unhealthy to keep staying in a disadvantaged position. yeah sure, a bit of self-doubt helps. it reminds you to stay alert and make sure you're not half-assing things. however, when it's a generous heaping of self-doubt, then it starts to define who you are. you start questioning things that you've worked hard to be absolutely secure with. that is not a good position to be in.

but that's where i am.

i'm just afraid of a lot of things. ghosts from the past strengthen my personal demons. that means i have to put in more effort than i used to just to keep a level head. i've been finding that it's easier to be distracted and pretend to be okay than it is to actually be okay. it's hard to find security when you know that self-doubt serves as a reminder that bad things happened to me, and that they could very well happen again. it's only a matter of one thing going wrong that i'll find myself once more in the company of unsavory entities worse than self-doubt.

cause self-doubt is polite enough to enter through a door. i can't say the same for despair.

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