jigsaw

i feel like such an impostor for being a different person to different people.

it'd be much simpler if i had the same formula for everyone. it's not like i'm consciously doing it to be manipulative for my personal gain. in fact, i'm actively avoiding situations where i'll be receiving any material benefit from my actions. but i just can't keep a consistent persona across all of my social links. i'll be affectionate to one but i'll be brash to another, while maintaining comparable level of fondness for either. i've yet to fully comprehend this disconnect.

but i really do care about others. i really do have a soft spot for the vulnerable. i really do have love for the human race.

but i also like making fun of others. i also derive pleasure from deriding the vulnerable. i also have scorn for the human race.

i'm almost always genuine about the feelings i express. in fact, i'm more likely to be disingenuous by suppressing any expression of my emotions. yes, i can be an asshole. yes, i can be a damaged soul. yes, i can be a nurturing figure. there is truth to the words i speak, but there is a much bigger honesty behind the words i withhold. no, i'm not as confident as i appear. no, i'm not as happy as my laughter suggests. no, i'm not as prepared to let go as i would want you to believe.

it's an endless game of metaphysical whack-a-mole. i'm one thing, but i'm also a lot of other things. i can't exactly pin it down yet. nor am i sure how will i shine a clear light onto it. but what i'm certain of are the different pieces of me.

and someday i'll be able to put them together to see the bigger picture.

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