slowly lo-fi

i've been feeling more and more detached from people of my age.

they're all moving on having families of their own, building their careers - the real adult stuff that you must be over 18 to continue. not this listless floating in the ether kind of deal i've been having. when i reflect on what the past couple of decades have been for me, it's utterly disappointing. i will give credit to myself, i did the best i thought i could given the limited knowledge i had at the time. and it's always a case of information asymmetry. but knowing what i know now, i could've been so much better. i'd probably be more accomplished than i am right now. i'd probably have reasons to be proud of myself and actually believe them. i'm not sure whether i'll be happier. that's always up in the air. up til now, i don't know what brings me genuine happiness no matter how hard i try to keep exploring all the avenues. it's all momentary bliss, and that's fine for the time being.

perhaps because i've been spending more time with marginally younger people than me and i've been living my life to their pace. age should probably have nothing to do with it, we're in our respective races. comparing yourself to others is always a surefire way to discontent. unless you set that bar really really low. which i used to do all the time in the guise of altruism.

but nah, arbitrarily assigning objectives to the number of times you've revolved around the sun doesn't do you any favors. gravitational forces of celestial bodies don't care about who you are, what you've gone through, what you aspire to be, what you could've been. you just move through the four dimensions of life, resisting and adapting, trying to be and not to be.

this all could be just me being hard on myself. there are enough people who see my worth, and i wish i had their eyes. cause i'm blind even to the most basic of truths.

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