slowly lo-fi

i've been feeling more and more detached from people of my age.

they're all moving on having families of their own, building their careers - the real adult stuff that you must be over 18 to continue. not this listless floating in the ether kind of deal i've been having. when i reflect on what the past couple of decades have been for me, it's utterly disappointing. i will give credit to myself, i did the best i thought i could given the limited knowledge i had at the time. and it's always a case of information asymmetry. but knowing what i know now, i could've been so much better. i'd probably be more accomplished than i am right now. i'd probably have reasons to be proud of myself and actually believe them. i'm not sure whether i'll be happier. that's always up in the air. up til now, i don't know what brings me genuine happiness no matter how hard i try to keep exploring all the avenues. it's all momentary bliss, and that's fine for the time being.

perhaps because i've been spending more time with marginally younger people than me and i've been living my life to their pace. age should probably have nothing to do with it, we're in our respective races. comparing yourself to others is always a surefire way to discontent. unless you set that bar really really low. which i used to do all the time in the guise of altruism.

but nah, arbitrarily assigning objectives to the number of times you've revolved around the sun doesn't do you any favors. gravitational forces of celestial bodies don't care about who you are, what you've gone through, what you aspire to be, what you could've been. you just move through the four dimensions of life, resisting and adapting, trying to be and not to be.

this all could be just me being hard on myself. there are enough people who see my worth, and i wish i had their eyes. cause i'm blind even to the most basic of truths.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

an ode to rubenesque figures

i have to give credit to the fat women that have been part of my life. they're the most solid figure i've consistently had. i'm not sure whether it's a widespread obesity thing, probably not. neither is it simply a matter of me seeking out fat women to have in my life. it's not like a woman's excess of weight affect their personality, other than perhaps having a voracious appetite, and if there's anything i can always get along with it's love for food. and it's not like their perceived huggableness matter to me, physical touch ranks extremely low in my preference for human interactions. admittedly, i will find chunkier women more attractive, but almost all of the fat women in my life have always been platonic arrangements. so no, i have no idea why there's always a fat woman playing a significant role in my life. but what i am certain of is that i am pretty damn grateful for them no matter how much of a strange recurring theme it may be.
Read more

dark side of the gym

when you fall in love, it never absolutely disappears. i still have a warm regard for them. if the soles of their feet are blistered from wearing heels all day, i'd be the first to get them a chair. if they decide to put up a bakery, i'd have a courier arrange for the delivery of the cupcakes. if they're in a tight situation and are short on ramen funds, i'd immediately cover the bill. it's the least i could do. despite not being attracted to them anymore nor having a desire to try and find a flame to rekindle, i believe they're still special human beings and the world is a much better place because of their existence. appreciating them from afar is the best form of relationship i could have with them. there's a reason it didn't work out in the end. being in close proximity with anyone reveal parts of people that spells the difference between temporary and permanent. while my time with them were short-lived, i'm certain that love, in whatever f
Read more

time space continuum

the older i get, the more i wish i could travel back in time with what i know now  i used to be a 5th grader wishing to be a 2nd grader, thinking i will ace all basic arithmetic after finally understanding algebra. then i became a college student wishing to be a high schooler, thinking i will re-invent myself after finally overcoming my social awkwardness. then i became a working adult wishing to be a student, thinking i will get into better schools after finally developing a solid work ethic. and now i'm in my 30s wishing to re-live life all over again, thinking i will avoid all of my life's regrets after finally learning from my mistakes. it's likely that this pattern will continue.
Read more