paper trails

this could easily be just one long suicide note.

i really hate being in my own head. it's very rarely a good place. but it's the price i have to pay for being the way i am. not like i had a choice oh how my brain is wired in the first place. i'm probably one of those tortured artists whose creativity is fuelled by personal demons. i'm claiming it now, i do write better than most people - maybe not the best or even in the upper percentile, but the better writers are probably crappier cooks than me, or run slower than me. we're all different permutations of advantages and disadvantages.

and i'm disadvantaged to be depressed than most people.

again, it's not necessarily sadness. i'm not sad right now. nobody said a bad thing to me that ruined my day. i wasn't unreasonably in trouble today. by most metrics, there should be no reason why i'm feeling empty inside. but i do. and it sucks.

and when the time comes it can't be helped, then this truly does become one long suicide note.

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