logistics of logic

i've recently gotten into the habit of being fiercely logical. i look at the world with a cold objectivity and judge things whether something was right or wrong solely on its coherence and functional merits. facts don't indeed care about feelings. logic is empowering, logic is seductive.

and logic has become my crutch.

i used to not be like this though. i was shit at math - the entry point to logic in formal education. i gravitated toward subjective fields like the arts. i was still shit at it, but colors and rhythm was an easier pill to swallow than numbers and formulas. literature was liberating, film was freeing, music was emancipating. sure there are rules to grammar, image composition, and time signatures - but adhering to aesthetic rules felt more natural as it called to an inherent desire for things to look or sound good. it's just one of those things that instantly clicks with you. it calls to abstractions in your subconscious and concretizes it into real life. you don't have to explain it, you don't have to make it sensible to other people, it just has to exist and it becomes the truth.

but sometimes life throws you scenarios which don't self-evidently make sense.

it breaks you in ways you never thought would ever happen outside the bounds of a book or scope of the screen. the oxymoron hits you that life isn't fiction and yet some facts don't make sense at all. in the extremest of cases, a lack of rigid rules frees you to the point of uncontrollable chaos. you end up having more questions asked than answers given. your "whys" pile up and it becomes more difficult to understand "what for?"

i don't want to go back there.

so when higher order processes become insurmountable, it's necessary to return and redesign your blueprint. so that's why the scaffolding logic affords me is important right now. without it, rebuilding myself will be a bigger struggle than it already is. i'm able to cover my weakness with the structural strength of solid certainty. i'm able take a step back and survey the landscape for what it was, where i went wrong, how else could i do it better next time. and besides, nothing's more reassuring than a hard hat.