eat me henger

as a kid that was such a huge fan of the local music scene, i've always wanted to go to this certain university's fair. it came and went every year, and i've been losing interest in live performances in general. i liked them, yeah, but i found that a lot of the concerts i've been in were mostly forgettable messes. i've gone to concerts of both local and foreign bands. i've gone to concerts with family, friends, a romantic partner, and alone even. but somehow none of them ever really struck me as memories worth keeping, and i've mostly given up. all that changed until recently. somehow i got dragged into going to the said fair i've been meaning to go to as a kid, and somehow i had a memorable experience. i had finally seen my favorite bands perform. i used to think that listening to their albums was much better because it sounded cleaner than what you hear from stage speakers, but i've grown to appreciate the live experience as a means to feel c...

an avid reader of ours had a lovely idea for me to write about random thoughts. not as if twitter existed or that the shit i write here are generally off the cuff. i don't know, maybe she just wants to see me write some stupidity. well here it goes, i'm giving myself one hour to write... waves of frequency music is the most important thing in my life, and i say that without hyperbole. i mean yeah sure, biological needs... whatever. but yeah, it's what gets me through tough times, it's what accompanies me during happy times and really those are the only two times life has. so the 20-something dollars i spent on a year's worth of spotify subscription has been the best purchase i've made in quite a while. in fact a lot of my irrational purchases have been on music-related things - like an overpowered car stereo, earphones custom-made specifically for my ear canals, dj-grade headphones, and at the very least, a dainty bluetooth speaker. to say the least, music a...

there aren't enough people in the world that are honest with themselves. perhaps it's a coping mechanism to deal with anxieties daily life brings us. it really is much easier to shape our reality than to be shaped into the various cracks and crevices of all the convoluted circumstances we're thrown into. rolling with the punches mean being hit, being in pain - that's not good - prevailing wisdom is it's better to block or avoid the negativity and by blocking the undesirable thoughts, we avoid getting hurt... or at least we think. i think it's dumb. you shortchange yourself from living a full life by not stretching yourself to deal with necessary evils. but i was never one to protect people from their own idiocy. i find that lessons are best learned when experienced firsthand. people should be making mistakes left and right, and growing from it too. but oftentimes, people keep walking into the same hazards and finding themselves in the same ditch they dug the...

i saw another dude's brains on the road again. that dude had a family, friends, people he loved, and people that loved him back - and i, a total stranger, found out about his fate before any of those people that meant more to him. anyone could have been that guy. well not anyone, cause not everyone rides a motorcycle, and not everyone who rides a motorcycle drives at an irresponsibly dangerous speed, and not everyone who drives irresponsibly are on the road late at night - cause they're usually driving during the rush hour period, i should know, because i'm one of them. but away from that tangent, anyone really could have been the dude that died unceremoniously. it may not necessarily be because of a motor vehicular accident (statistically it may), but it could be a million different reasons that will prevent you from never being able to say "suck it" to the people you hate anymore - and that it's their turn to tell you off because to them you're just ...

love requires living in the here and now. we more or less have our fair share past transgressions, present personality quirks and psychosocial tendencies indicative of our future actions that all make us repulsive. some easily apparent to others, some solely visible to ourselves, but a lot will be revealed when someone spends a long enough time with us through our best and worst. we have our coping mechanisms: other people cover it up and outright deny any negativity, other people offset by being more likable in other aspects. but no matter how much make up you cake on, no matter how admirable you can try hard to be, it's an inescapable fact that our flaws will be part and parcel of the person that we truly are. this is where a concerted effort between two lovers come in to make an enduring relationship. it's in never giving up to the best of your abilities, it's in being patient and trying to understand, it's in seeing things in the right perspective to judge s...

i never felt the pressure to have someone on valentine's day. just like any other special day, it all feels too contrived. my calling card has always been to make every day special, and perhaps corollary to that i try to make supposed special days feel ordinary. but by all means, people should fall in love. it's grand, it's beautiful, it's swallows you whole and leaves you with next to nothing - and that's awesome. everyone should find someone that will make them feel nervously excited, self-consciously preparing to look as best as possible, to second guess yourself on whether you're making sense or doing the right thing - and all should overcome that to form one of the most rewarding relationships they could have. i've been in love enough times to know what works and what doesn't for me. and i'm not particularly keen in falling in love again anytime soon. i'm not actively in the market yet. but that's not how falling in love works, it...

exes are exes for a reason. people start liking others for an infinite amount of possible reasons. it's easy, especially starting with a blank slate. you simply have to use your senses - the way they disarm you with droopy eyes, the way their musky scent exudes an air of authority, the way their voice enchants you with its inherent melodiousness. but just as simple as it gets, it won't get you very far. it takes two. a degree of reciprocity has to be present to move any relationship forward. there will be hits, there will be misses. we go through life encountering many different people along the way, there are those whom we have kept, those whom we have let floating around, and those whom we have made sure to be as far away as humanly possible. but we don't have all the time in the world for everyone - we have to choose those that remain as constants. growth and development takes time, and the more we clock in, the deeper our relationships become. it'll almost alw...

some days i lose out on opportunities and there's everything in the way of redemption. some days i fail and i have very little compassion for myself. some days i overdo it and leave little room for recovery. overall life isn't good. 10/10 would not recommend. but some days i just simply give up on myself. none of the anger, none of the sorrow, none of the pain - just an absent affectivity for anything. it's a different kind of struggle to solider on through life listlessly. there's no adversity to overcome,  no drop to soften - just a directionless journey in a vast emptiness with your feet moving forward not even knowing if you're merely running circles. like plain saltine crackers that gets you by, these days helps me bide my time until i die.

my days often end with me feeling dejectedly detached from the world as i toss and turn on the mattress on my bedroom floor trying to find that one spot that i feel most comfortable i never find it and instead i fall asleep tiring myself out from trying to find that one spot i can finally be at peace now i'm well aware that there could be some people in my social circle that have started following this blog for whatever random reason, and that they may find it alarming that i keep these thoughts from them while i portray in our actual physical interaction that i have a semblance of having my shit together. now while i appreciate the concern, it means nothing when at the end of the day i still secretly wish i don't have to wake up the next day. so i find it best to keep the status quo of me being the confidant and never being the confider, because let's face it, all we really want to do is to talk about ourselves. i find that i get my fix of self-indulgent person...

i've been getting into the swing of things with granting wishes for people. it's nice cause i get to get out and do something with my life that i feel i missed out on because the comfort of my couch was too cushy. it's great cause i get to give people the opportunity to have what they've always wanted with very little effort on my part other than carving out time from a mostly empty (but slowly filling) schedule and shelling some cash for parking and gas. all in all, it's grand really, i wouldn't have wanted it any other way. i'm the granter of wishes, the toucher of lives, the dispatcher of desire, the hireling of happiness. i must say i've found the sweet spot where my interpersonal ineptitude meets the social demands of other people. cause i'm largely an abrasive asshole with very little in the way of personability, add to that my recent stint as the man on fire has largely left me surreptitiously sullen, i can easily be classified as a...