break up number 4

she and i have had more break ups than years in the relationship.

and i get it - the complaints are always the same, i'm careless, i'm an asshole, i'm egotistical, i'm manipulative, i'm abusive.

perhaps because that's how she interprets me - that's who has been ingrained in her head, and that there's a sweeping prejudice on whatever it is i'll do.

admittedly, i'm careless - brash, run into things headstrong, act first think later kind of person, at times my passion gets the best of me. i don't carefully craft whatever it is i'm going to say or do because i've always run on intuition.

admittedly, i'm an asshole - my premise has always been, identify where it hurts the most, open them up to it, and bring it to light. like how stand up comedians take offensive realities and  i'm not doing it out of spite, i don't like engaging in unproductive things. i'm doing it to reveal certain truths to people that they've long buried in facades of polite pretenses. and if there's anything i hate the most in this world it's disingenuousness.

admittedly, i'm egotistical - overly convinced of my own capacity of doing good, sold myself on ideas and values that i've strongly stuck by and believed in. i've taken certain people for granted even if all they wanted to do was to do good.

admittedly, i'm manipulative - i set people up, i zero in on what i believe to be important to them and pounce on it. people will always have their walls and as i've mentioned before, i intend to break down those walls.

admittedly, i'm abusive - i will push people's buttons with the things i tell them. i want to incite a reaction from them that will urge them to reform their ways which i believe to wrong.

also, admittedly, i could be wrong in the way i've been living life. i wouldn't put it past me that i can easily be lumped alongside the worst nobodies in human history. i'd like to think i'm redeemable enough, one way or another.

time will tell. because i sure as hell can't tell the truth anymore.

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