break up number 4

she and i have had more break ups than years in the relationship.

and i get it - the complaints are always the same, i'm careless, i'm an asshole, i'm egotistical, i'm manipulative, i'm abusive.

perhaps because that's how she interprets me - that's who has been ingrained in her head, and that there's a sweeping prejudice on whatever it is i'll do.

admittedly, i'm careless - brash, run into things headstrong, act first think later kind of person, at times my passion gets the best of me. i don't carefully craft whatever it is i'm going to say or do because i've always run on intuition.

admittedly, i'm an asshole - my premise has always been, identify where it hurts the most, open them up to it, and bring it to light. like how stand up comedians take offensive realities and  i'm not doing it out of spite, i don't like engaging in unproductive things. i'm doing it to reveal certain truths to people that they've long buried in facades of polite pretenses. and if there's anything i hate the most in this world it's disingenuousness.

admittedly, i'm egotistical - overly convinced of my own capacity of doing good, sold myself on ideas and values that i've strongly stuck by and believed in. i've taken certain people for granted even if all they wanted to do was to do good.

admittedly, i'm manipulative - i set people up, i zero in on what i believe to be important to them and pounce on it. people will always have their walls and as i've mentioned before, i intend to break down those walls.

admittedly, i'm abusive - i will push people's buttons with the things i tell them. i want to incite a reaction from them that will urge them to reform their ways which i believe to wrong.

also, admittedly, i could be wrong in the way i've been living life. i wouldn't put it past me that i can easily be lumped alongside the worst nobodies in human history. i'd like to think i'm redeemable enough, one way or another.

time will tell. because i sure as hell can't tell the truth anymore.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

an ode to rubenesque figures

i have to give credit to the fat women that have been part of my life. they're the most solid figure i've consistently had. i'm not sure whether it's a widespread obesity thing, probably not. neither is it simply a matter of me seeking out fat women to have in my life. it's not like a woman's excess of weight affect their personality, other than perhaps having a voracious appetite, and if there's anything i can always get along with it's love for food. and it's not like their perceived huggableness matter to me, physical touch ranks extremely low in my preference for human interactions. admittedly, i will find chunkier women more attractive, but almost all of the fat women in my life have always been platonic arrangements. so no, i have no idea why there's always a fat woman playing a significant role in my life. but what i am certain of is that i am pretty damn grateful for them no matter how much of a strange recurring theme it may be.
Read more

dark side of the gym

when you fall in love, it never absolutely disappears. i still have a warm regard for them. if the soles of their feet are blistered from wearing heels all day, i'd be the first to get them a chair. if they decide to put up a bakery, i'd have a courier arrange for the delivery of the cupcakes. if they're in a tight situation and are short on ramen funds, i'd immediately cover the bill. it's the least i could do. despite not being attracted to them anymore nor having a desire to try and find a flame to rekindle, i believe they're still special human beings and the world is a much better place because of their existence. appreciating them from afar is the best form of relationship i could have with them. there's a reason it didn't work out in the end. being in close proximity with anyone reveal parts of people that spells the difference between temporary and permanent. while my time with them were short-lived, i'm certain that love, in whatever f
Read more

time space continuum

the older i get, the more i wish i could travel back in time with what i know now  i used to be a 5th grader wishing to be a 2nd grader, thinking i will ace all basic arithmetic after finally understanding algebra. then i became a college student wishing to be a high schooler, thinking i will re-invent myself after finally overcoming my social awkwardness. then i became a working adult wishing to be a student, thinking i will get into better schools after finally developing a solid work ethic. and now i'm in my 30s wishing to re-live life all over again, thinking i will avoid all of my life's regrets after finally learning from my mistakes. it's likely that this pattern will continue.
Read more