eat me henger

she and i have had more break ups than years in the relationship. and i get it - the complaints are always the same, i'm careless, i'm an asshole, i'm egotistical, i'm manipulative, i'm abusive. perhaps because that's how she interprets me - that's who has been ingrained in her head, and that there's a sweeping prejudice on whatever it is i'll do. admittedly, i'm careless - brash, run into things headstrong, act first think later kind of person, at times my passion gets the best of me. i don't carefully craft whatever it is i'm going to say or do because i've always run on intuition. admittedly, i'm an asshole - my premise has always been, identify where it hurts the most, open them up to it, and bring it to light. like how stand up comedians take offensive realities and  i'm not doing it out of spite, i don't like engaging in unproductive things. i'm doing it to reveal certain truths to people that they've

i used to think i'd be part of the 27 club - a group of people that died at the age of 27. and to an extent, it may be true, but not in the way i had hoped it. the moment a new life has started growing inside of her, that's when i started dying inside. being with her doesn't fill me with life anymore. i feel disconnected, i feel misunderstood, i feel miserable... while i may be the kind of person that will indulge in self-hatred, i used to have enough self-compassion to have never wished to not be myself anymore. but that's where i am right now. i don't want to physically be me anymore. but i won't walk out, i have a strong enough sense of duty to keep being there for the kid. cause essentially my life is over. what's the point.

i'm not the man for my girlfriend. it just so happens i have part of me growing in her. i've perhaps come to terms with being unable to change things outside my control, particularly how other people feel. i can't do much that she and i have diametrically opposed values. i'll just adjust. it makes me miserable. but that's the price of being irresponsible. she could've easily done better. a guy who can make her laugh without fail. a guy who will be caring to her the way she wants it. a guy who can provide for her and not living off a government salary. had rationality prevailed, she would have just gotten rid of me because who i am isn't what she truly need. but there are much more important things now. more than my level of happiness, more than my quality of life.

being a parent and a spouse are two entirely different things. i used to think both were a package deal. ideally, yes, the person that you marry should be the person you will have kids with. but sometimes social constructs fail. you inadvertently initiate the miracle of life. and now you have one without the other. i believe any form of repeated union has a degree of validity to it. the chemistry is there, no doubt. but whether it's what would sustain a relationship when it goes into the grind of a practical lifelong partnership - that's an entirely different question.

sometimes i just want to break down cause i very rarely get the appropriate emotional support. i can see people try, they're there, i appreciate that. but a diesel engine can't run on unleaded fuel. it's harrowingly alienating to never truly felt understood at your worst times. i've given up on trying. we're all too self-absorbed and especially for someone as overly complicated as i am, i need a shitload of understanding. i'm sincerely waiting to meet at least a single human being that will make me feel like i'm seen the way i truly am. no, not someone who will routinely kiss my ass for my numerous petty triumphs, nor someone who will antagonize me for how horrible of a human being i am. just someone who can correct the disturbingly distorted discernment of my psyche.

as the days go by, it gets better. eventually when you sleep on issues and you are slowly reminded of sinppets that make up the bigger picture your entire being sees life for what it truly is - just an overglorified wake and sleep cycle. nothing much truly changes. red will always be red, salty will always be salty, and scratching a knife on a bottle will always be the most annoying sound in the world. at the end of the day, no matter how lonely you spend it, your situation boils down to your reaction to things. it's never as truly bad as you think it is, nor is it even amazing as you experience it to be. you just need to stay rooted in reality. and now i can eat breakfast again.

i love life... for the most part. but it's been increasingly more difficult to get through the day without any form of inebriation. i can't trick my conscious mind anymore to not stress over things. it used to be i just pop open a game or put on my earphones and the world melts away. when i return from that brief moment of respite, i can face my daily troubles with a renewed sense of enthusiasm. there isn't any of that anymore. every press of a button on a game, every note on a song, i inch closer and closer to the mouth of my personal demon. a swig of alcohol tranquilizes me into submission. because while i have done every form of preparation possible, no matter how hard i try, the rate of which i pull myself out of this hole is slower than the speed of which i sink deeper into this ditch i'm in. believe me, i'm trying hard. but just like a quicksand, the more i resist, the faster i fall.

if there's anything this recent string of bad weeks has taught me, it's that it takes a lot of me to learn any lesson. i'm mostly dense. really. for all of my ability to connect and interpret subtle cues about the world, when it comes to myself i am simply slower than everyone else. i'm not particularly happy about it, but i'm compassionate enough to let myself be visibly vulnerable about my weaknesses. besides, inebriation is always good for something. my life is effectively over - i used to think i was anhedonic, not being able to feel any positive response to those which i used to enjoy, but i never knew it could be possible to actually have a negative response to them. i have much bigger responsibilities now that any time spent not doing something productive to contribute to the bigger issue at hand feel like i'm running out of time. i constantly feel that i'm running out of time, but never has it felt like it was this amped up to the poin

for the longest time i've gravitated towards postmodern sensibilities. it resonated with me, perhaps for my lack of discernible humanity. it was easy to be self-aware, to laugh at yourself before anyone else does - to think that you're pointing out the bullshit of modern life and adulthood puts you above everyone else who are merely trying to get by and maintain their respective egos. i guess even in my late 20s i'm just as fallibly idealistic. one way or another, people will always be set in their ways. everyone will have their motivation for doing things that we may disagree with. it redounds to respect. of which i honestly have very little to give, i can maybe count in a single hand the people i've truly respected. i've been merely substituting apathetic tolerance because i find it's easier to not care than to respect a difference. trust me, i've been there, and i can't. maybe not as of the moment. i don't know what will trigger me to lear