back to square one

I have a long standing battle with depression

which might not seem apparent because i manage to look pretty damn whacky online. except in my blog.

the thing about social media is that it merely gives you glimpses of what's going on in my life. and if you take a look at my blogs and isolate the short bursts of self-aware humor, i may seem like a fun loving human being.

but that this farthest from the truth. 

it's a miracle i haven't committed suicide by now. that, i guess is a testament to my utter weakness in being unable to have to power to take my own life.

which i guess is how i've lived my life for the most part, i never really took control of it and let external factors direct it. and that's why i never felt that i deserved the good things that happened to me because i felt i never had a hand in setting things up for myself.

you could make the case that i should take the first step in making my own direction, and i'm sure that would be easy if i weren't crippled by depression in the first place.

i sure as shit don't know how to move forward now.

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