eat me henger

getting promoted feels like one of the worst things to happen in my life. people around me treat it like a milestone. hooray for me, my hard work was recognized and i was given a higher title and more money. but i don't really care about those things. i could rot in the same position i was holding for almost a decade and still be satisfied with myself. i loved my job back then - it was the right amount of challenge for my natural talents, it was sufficiently rewarding in relation to the minimal effort i feel like i've put in. now i'm in a stupid situation where i'm given big responsibilities in a field i knew very little about and, as current evidence seem to suggest, i also have very little inclination towards. for the entirety of my career thus far, i've been spoiled with a job that feels like play. i could've done it for free. i haven't really been given one that feels like work before. and now, i feel that i deserve to get paid for what i do. unfortunate...

i regret letting myself become who i've been for the past couple of decades. it started nice. i was surrounded with well-intentioned people. they showered me with substantial luxuries. all signs pointed to a good destination. however, i had a taste of what was good before seeing the difficulties to get it. i took it for granted. i got lazy, but somehow i always get saved in the end. i assumed i was unaffected by consequences because there were always those that will take the fall for me. but you won't get anywhere desirable if you kept losing. yes, i felt untouchable, but that's because i was out of touch with what i needed to do and who i needed to be. ideal outcomes always felt out of reach. i made a habit of settling. my unrealized entitlement grew into resentment. i became jaded to preempt the pain of failure. i never put in any honest effort to accomplish anything. i kept redefining my expectations to have a semblance of a win. it was a cycle that was leading to my dem...

i've forgotten the real purpose of my blog because i had thought i can comfortably get by without returning. but if i keep my negative thoughts to myself for far too long, it'll eventually find its way out. and nobody's really receptive to the shit i have to spew. everyone's got their problems to worry about or their own parades they don't want rained on. my issues are objectively petty - agonizing over a decade-old argument, cringing over an unnoticeable faux pas, obsessing over the most minute of imperfections. unfortunately, when left alone with my thoughts, they're subjectively crippling. the real solution is for me to just "man up". opening up about my anxieties has no place in regular discourse. even before i start explaining myself to others, i've already figured myself out already. i'm self-aware enough to recognize when i'm being too much of a pussy, or letting my pride get in the way, or just simply being stupid. i don't need ...

i put up with more bullshit than ought to be doing. with enough time, anyone will reveal how appalling they actually are. no soul is truly a ray of sunshine. that's just the basic premise of life. more power to those with larger capacity for bullshit, they're best suited to live in the real world. people like me that are more sensitive and intolerant to it should stay sheltered in the solitude of our safe spaces. the two choices are to (1) play along and become a fool or (2) call them out and become alone. but society must operate on human connections. unfortunately, the social fabric is largely woven on communication threads that are spun disingenuously. i'm one of the few brave enough to cut ties because i find that peace is preferable to perks. perhaps it's because i never found anything anyone can give worthwhile. perhaps i'm slowly succeeding towards my haphazard goal of nirvana. regardless of the reason, be it nihilistic or enlightened, all forms of shit must ...

when adulthood comes along, our worth starts to get measured monetarily. we seem to have an innate desire to measure ourselves. it starts out with grades, but as soon as you get a job you're measured by income. it's a good proxy metric for our value. with good grades, it makes it easier for employers to filter job applicants. with good salary, it makes it easier for us to live comfortably, it's numbers. it's practical. it's economics. and if anything, i'm a man of economics. unfortunately, i don't find the allure of such value appraisal framework. i've had enough money to know that there's more to life than material wealth. there is no significant difference between my life when i was barely scraping by and now that i live in abundance. i just have fancier things and plentiful meals. and since i have more of them, i've taken them for granted. i still have the same 24 hours a day, and with more money, the only difference is the variety of options....

modern life is so rich that what i can do in an hour today would've taken me half a day to do back then. i've gotten used to the convenience of most things being a click or tap away, that i've taken for granted their accessibility. i'm quite forgetful and the deluge of content has only highlighted my limitation to keep information. i must've forgotten more than i've seen or heard through my many screens. and it's been mostly like that, even before we're forced to be locked in our homes. majority of what has happened in my life has been virtual. and thanks to technology, we are given the opportunity to immortalize real moments by uploading them somewhere over the cloud. but that just adds to the activities we'll do virtually. the abundance granted to us by technology diminished the significance of each memory. our desire for more and more have lessened the impact of individual moments. in as much as we want to consider every single thing important, we...

i haven't got my soul recently. three whole months of no writing here. i was still writing though - for work, for school - in other places where my authenticity wasn't as valued as the approval of an authority. having responsibilities in the real world means being fake for the sake of a paycheck. and really, what does a paycheck get us? shiny new things, filling food, fun pastimes. life revolves around the next unnecessary purchase or upcoming leisurely activity. the things we spend money are just as artificial as effort required to earn money. the human soul will search for meaning. no matter how superficial or profound, purpose is our destination and fulfillment is our fuel. as idealized as we'd like to think of the story of our life is, we're just as imperfect. sometimes we're running full speed ahead, sometimes we're simply cruising along on an empty tank with the momentum we've built up. whatever happens, life always moves forward. but every now and the...