good job

getting promoted feels like one of the worst things to happen in my life.

people around me treat it like a milestone. hooray for me, my hard work was recognized and i was given a higher title and more money.

but i don't really care about those things. i could rot in the same position i was holding for almost a decade and still be satisfied with myself. i loved my job back then - it was the right amount of challenge for my natural talents, it was sufficiently rewarding in relation to the minimal effort i feel like i've put in.

now i'm in a stupid situation where i'm given big responsibilities in a field i knew very little about and, as current evidence seem to suggest, i also have very little inclination towards.

for the entirety of my career thus far, i've been spoiled with a job that feels like play. i could've done it for free. i haven't really been given one that feels like work before. and now, i feel that i deserve to get paid for what i do. unfortunately, i've been so exhausted that money means nothing because i can't use it. on the flip side, keeping my expenses at the same level means i have more savings. but the work stresses the fuck out of me so much that i might as well be saving up for a heart bypass surgery.

the people who expressed happiness with my promotion, ought to be the same people that will express regret with my death.