at it again

i keep fucking up intimacy. 

i'm too sensitive that i perceive most things as threats, and i'm too combative that i escalate hostilities whether real or imagined. it's a recipe for constant conflicts or eroding emotional distance. once again, i prove i have no business being an intimate partner.

i'm thoroughly flawed and burdened by deep trauma. i'm convinced that has no room in any romantic relationship. so why the fuck am i forcing myself?

i need a shit ton of work. it's probably insurmountable that i'm perhaps irredeemably broken at this point.

coming to the conclusion that i should not dabble in any romance didn't come lightly. it's been painful to conclude that all of my flaws significantly outweigh the good i have. but it's better i contain that pain to myself rather than bringing in someone else to see the disappointment i truly am.

i'm a positive presence when i play a limited role in people's lives. a temporary treasure, i call myself. i've proven that's the best i could be. i should rid any delusions that i have some sort of staying power. hell no. i'm a single-use plastic. still useful, but doesn't lend itself well to further re-use.

it's not entirely bad. i still have some love in me to share to the world. it's just that it has to be in small and controlled doses.

it just hurts to disappoint those whom i love.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

99 red loveballons

i hate it when romance gets in the way of quality relationships.  i'm a fan of romantic love, sure. but it's reserved for the deserving. just because two people are single and they look good together, doesn't mean it's a good idea to ship them . i yearn for the days of my boyhood when i can simply approach a girl i like spending time with and just share our time for our common interest. my curse is that i get along with women better than men. unfortunately, i'm straight. (granted there suspicions that i'm either closeted, bisexual, or lesbian). so there's always that opportunity to see a potential romantic partnership between a girl and a decently attractive guy like me. unfortunately, comments about her being single or my salary can sustain her  adds to the noise my adhd brain struggles to juggle. (i should probably tell them i have a girlfriend already. but then again, i will then be accused of cheating. so i still find myself between a rock and a hard pla...
Read more

survival notes from the deceleration of age

there is such a thing as being "too old" - it happens when you refuse to leave a phase you've already outgrown. i'm neither young or old in my early 30s, age is relative. but i've been definitely feeling awkward lately. like adolescence-adjacent awkwardness. in my teens, the hormonal changes were apparent. school would even teach about pimples and pubic hair. but in this phase of life, where everyone's doing their own thing - be it family or career, nobody talks about the changes that happen in our early 30s. the closest thing is the common understanding that we've fully developed our prefrontal cortex, but then that's around the mid-20s. what the fuck happens to us in our early 30s? i've definitely felt a discernible mellowing. not the same insatiable hunger to prove my worth to the world. brain feels ever so slightly duller, especially given that i've amassed a bunch of knowledge rendered obsolete by recent developments. my signature emotiona...
Read more

precious lives

i don't think i've had an emotional breakdown in recent memory. up until now. it's just so hard. y'know. to be dealing with this kind of self i have to live with. and i sincerely wish the alternative choice were easy to make. but that's not how it goes. i'm not asking for easy, in fact i'm more game the harder it is. but it gets to a point where you're conflicted with continuing or quitting. everything that i've subjected myself to, they're all distractions. i'm filled with all of this negative energy that i try to make something productive out of. the work that i do, this blog that i write, the time i spend laboring to give my friends the best time possible - they're all a means for me to focus on something other than my messy life. holy freaking hell i just hate the person that i am. i really do. so it helps to not be me. it helps to put up a kept persona. it helps to have all of the energy i have left, all the will to live, i p...
Read more