curmudgeon

the older i get, the less i grown up i feel. 

like at some point in my mid-20s, i stopped aspiring for a grown up future. here i am still a decade later doing the same shit just with more wisdom. i don't see myself being the right man to get married. i don't see myself earning enough to maintain this lifestyle with my parents still alive. somehow i really can't see a better future. a future is there, yeah sure. but no significant improvements whatsoever.

i used to want to build a future with a family of my own. now i've made enough mistakes to learn that i'm a hard person to love and the positives i bring to a relationship isn't worth my many character flaws. even as basic as just going out on a date. i've grown seriously apprehensive. i've seen it all before. sharing a meal, spending time together, conversations both light and deep, where to find parking, how to split bills, who orders what, which tickets to get. i don't see myself fitting in all of it. i try, but at the end of the day i feel disingenuous. i feel i'm just a stand-in for better company that wasn't available at the time. there's always that nagging feeling that i couldn't do any better no matter how personable i try to become.

at some point, i know i will disappoint people. and that sucks cause i know i can make a good first impression. unfortunately, my depth is fucked in many ways that it always leads to disappointment. i will hurt feelings. i will be ruthless. i will have to come to terms that nobody is capable of understanding my many inconsistent complexities. and it's gonna hurt.

but i have to come to terms that they will eventually see the villain i've always been painted as.