survival notes from the deceleration of age

there is such a thing as being "too old" - it happens when you refuse to leave a phase you've already outgrown.

i'm neither young or old in my early 30s, age is relative. but i've been definitely feeling awkward lately. like adolescence-adjacent awkwardness. in my teens, the hormonal changes were apparent. school would even teach about pimples and pubic hair. but in this phase of life, where everyone's doing their own thing - be it family or career, nobody talks about the changes that happen in our early 30s. the closest thing is the common understanding that we've fully developed our prefrontal cortex, but then that's around the mid-20s.

what the fuck happens to us in our early 30s?

i've definitely felt a discernible mellowing. not the same insatiable hunger to prove my worth to the world. brain feels ever so slightly duller, especially given that i've amassed a bunch of knowledge rendered obsolete by recent developments. my signature emotional outbursts have relatively become impotent. the personal myth of the man on fire has since cooled off. yeah sure, i'm still impatient and hot-headed above population average, but i'm less likely to go to jail anymore. speaking of impotence and jail, i have a notable decline in sex drive. i very rarely talk about this genuinely in public, but it has become pretty damn apparent. like i'm not as excited with anything sexual anymore. i mean, yeah sure, see a woman with plump tits and ass. see her sway her hips sensually. see suggestive stares that i'm physically desired. and i'll be like: "err... yeah, let's swipe up for the memes on racism, autism and dj sets."

and those are just what's been going on in my head. my body is a worse story.

now i won't be further discussing anything about impotence at this point, but bloody hell my body is a damn mess. even in my teens and 20s, my body's already been beat up. multiple concussions, never been treated. almost every joint and ligament broken, never properly rehabbed. terrible sleeping habits since time immemorial. and a diet largely comprised of prohibited food for the diabetic - which, surprise surprise, runs in the family. at the very least, i've been mitigating some of it with physical activity. contact sports, primarily, because the man on fire loves to win while inflicting pain on others. no chill repetitive activities like running, biking or swimming. yeah, i'm fast. i love coming first. but i would also want to slap, choke or pull their hair on the way to the finish line.

and yet here i am saying i won't be discussing anything about impotence anymore. but at least i managed to limp through to the end of this entry.