99 red loveballons

i hate it when romance gets in the way of quality relationships. 

i'm a fan of romantic love, sure. but it's reserved for the deserving. just because two people are single and they look good together, doesn't mean it's a good idea to ship them.

i yearn for the days of my boyhood when i can simply approach a girl i like spending time with and just share our time for our common interest. my curse is that i get along with women better than men. unfortunately, i'm straight. (granted there suspicions that i'm either closeted, bisexual, or lesbian). so there's always that opportunity to see a potential romantic partnership between a girl and a decently attractive guy like me. unfortunately, comments about her being single or my salary can sustain her adds to the noise my adhd brain struggles to juggle. (i should probably tell them i have a girlfriend already. but then again, i will then be accused of cheating. so i still find myself between a rock and a hard place.)

it doesn't help that i put in a lot of effort behind my seemingly subtle interactions with people. i don't like wasting my time. i gravitate towards high quality people. i go out of my way to curate our conversations to cut past superficiality and into soul-level connection. that quality doesn't come cheap. i save my limited social bandwidth for it.

i'm convinced there is an underlying oneness to our species. and that i focus my finite energy to channel it. those who've dabbled in psychedelics have many ways of calling it: cosmic unity, universal consciousness...

for simplicity's sake, i just call it "love"

that's what gets me. people will lightly talk about attachment, dating, going into relationships - but genuine love is taboo. cause for me, love should be foundational. love should have a childlike purity. i have love for what i do. that's why i've been making art one way or another for decades. that's why i continue to study and develop my skillset to be better at my pursuits. i have love for the people around me. that's why i always find the good in them, unearth it from all the bad, if necessary. that's why i do my best to add value to their lives. sure, it requires a charitable soul to have love for strangers. it takes work to have love for those who hurt us. it might be difficult to admit to have love for exes. there are areas where love has difficulty crossing. but love is a topic worth having a sincere and genuine conversation about.

i believe i have a lot of love in me. proof is the many lives i deeply touched. a lot of them i don't interact with anymore. it's okay that i'm gone from their lives. we're not built to last forever. and i consider that impermanence freeing. i already brought love into their lives, and i can continue to bring love into others too.

and no, it's not fucking romantic love. excuse me, i have standards.